Astronomer Admits Constellations Don’t Look Like That
BALD SPOT, New Mexico (FNS) Breaking thousands of years of tradition and pretension, noted astronomer Dr. Hy N. deSkye today admitted to a hushed room of reporters that constellations are, essentially, bullshit. At a press conference called for the purpose, the scientist told the gathering that no one in his right mind could see the crap that has been put out there for centuries. “It’s the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ in the sky,” he said, “Look for yourselves. Look at Orion. You see a hunter with a club and a sword? Are you nuts? And Cassiopeia. That’s a woman in a chair? Then there’s Pegasus, the winged horse. Where in hell do you see that? Okay, I see the Big Dipper. Nice. A few stars in a dipper shape. I get that. But that’s also Ursa Major, the Big Bear. Can you see its shiny nose? Its big paws, can you see them? Absolute nonsense. I cannot believe they’ve been getting away with this crap just about forever.”
As reporters began questioning the good doctor, aides entered the room and hustled him quickly away before he had a chance to answer any of their queries. Said one observatory spokesman, “Dr. deSkye has not been feeling himself lately. I hope you all understand.” Shouted out a reporter from the back of the room, “Who has he been feeling?” There was no further comment.