Category Archives: Nearly News
ETHEREAL CITY, Erehwon (FNS) Ramones fans are rejoicing at the news of drummer Tommy Ramone’s death announced Friday, July 11, 2014. The drummer and original founder died after a long bout with cancer of the bile duct. Tommy (real name Erdely Tamas) is the last of the original founding four to pass on to the next world.
Following a world tour and farewell concert in 1996, the group disbanded. Within three and a half years lead singer Joey, bassist Dee Dee and guitarist Johnny were dead leaving Tommy as the last surviving original band member. Anxious fans spent the next decade and a half awaiting last Friday’s news. Says long time fan Moe Rahn, “This is awesome. Now they’re all together. I just know they’re playing ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll High School’ somewhere really cool. Or maybe really hot. Who knows?”
LONDON, England (FNS) The three surviving members of the British rock band The Who have publicly admitted to being fooled once more. Speaking through a spokesman, the members, who had been living in various tax havens, were lured back to England by a Department of Taxation official who said the government was no longer interested in pursuing tax evasion charges that had been leveled against the three. A monument to deceased drummer Keith Moon was to be dedicated in a public park in Leeds, and the boys had sent out feelers to find out if it was safe to attend the ceremony. But when they landed at London’s Heathrow Airport frontman Roger Daltrey, lead guitar player Pete Townsend and the bass player who nobody can remember his name were immediately arrested and held until they could post bail of 5 million pounds each.
While preparing for a U.S. tour in the seventies, the group had been told that taxes owed on a previous tour would be overlooked so long as any new taxes were paid. Once the tour was underway, however, the U.S. Internal Revenue Service reneged and threatened prosecution that would end the tour unless old debts were settled. The group’s manager arranged payment and the tour was completed.
According to Department of Taxation agent Ryan Wissky, “We didn’t think it would be this easy. How could anyone fall for the old ‘We promise not to prosecute’ dodge? It’s the same one we used against Led Zeppelin. Seems you can get fooled again.”
The lads were free on bond within hours, but had to turn in their passports and can’t leave the country until all this is settled. Said spokesman Louden Kleer, “We were shocked the government would lie to us. Guess the songs were right.”
HOLLYWOOD, California (FNS) An outline for the next movie in the “Star Trek” series has been quietly circulating among the cognoscenti in Tinseltown. While studio executives deny its authenticity, those in the know say otherwise. Movie critic Helen Highwadder comments, “Whether it was accurate or not, no one connected to the franchise would ever admit it. Denials are de rigueur in a town where surprise, secrecy and publicity all intersect.”
According to the information shown to Faux News, the new script brings back the original cast. The Enterprise encounters a wormhole that turns out to be a time-shifting portal. Once through, our intrepid crew finds themselves nearing Earth in the year 2014. As they enter the atmosphere they begin receiving strange signals from a large building in Southern California. Kirk orders the source to be displayed on the view screen. The astonished bridge crew sees aliens of every stripe and a huge mockup of their ship. What they do not know is that they have stumbled upon a Star Trek convention, complete with costumed conventioneers. Kirk and Spock decide to beam down to get a closer look and find out just what is going on. Has Earth been invaded? Is it in danger of being taken over by hostile aliens? Is it their mission to prevent this? Is that why they were sent back in time, to save Earth?
As the pair beam down they are immediately surrounded by excited, chattering fans, many in full costume. Our heroes are concerned. What is this “oddograf” they are demanding? Why are they thrusting these primitive marking instruments at them? And then comes the dramatic moment when Kirk and Spock come face to face with convention stars William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy, dressed in full Starfleet uniforms. Convention visitor Imelda Mynde is stunned. “What the Hell?” she cries out. “This is way too weird.” Shatner points to Kirk and exclaims, “They’re impostors,” as he pulls out his prop blaster. Spock and Kirk, confused and unaware of the true nature of the situation pull out their own blasters. “Set your blaster on ‘disintegrate,’” he orders Spock. As the two are mobbed they become panicked and begin firing at the crowd. People are suddenly disappearing. No one is sure what is happening. The crowd backs away leaving Kirk and Spock to face Shatner and Nimoy. Shatner raises his prop blaster as if to fire. Kirk fires first disintegrating the actor. Simultaneously, Spock fires at Nimoy. As Nimoy disintegrates, Spock tells Kirk, “I have a strange sensation. I’m fading. Look, you’re fading too.” In a few seconds the two are gone. An acrid smell fills the area.
Back on the Enterprise, Mr. Scott informs Sulu that he has lost contact with the away team. “It’s as if they just stopped being,” he says breathlessly to Sulu. Uhura chimes in, “I think we better find that wormhole and get out of here before we all evaporate.” A final shot of the Enterprise sailing into the wormhole, a voiceover saying “Every five year mission has an end…” And then, cue theme music.
Is this really the outline for the next movie? We can only hope.
EMERALD LAKES, Pennsylvania (FNS) People in this sleepy mountain village have named Patsy Fallguy as the right guy to fuck with. Says neighbor Barb Dwyer, “If there ever was a right guy to fuck with, Patsy is that man. He’s afraid of his own shadow. I’ve never even heard him raise his voice, ever. He is so timid.” Her brother Guy Dwyer agrees, adding, “He’s so weak, he can’t lift his spirits. Plus, he throws like a girl. A very young, unathletic girl.” FNS tried to speak to Fallguy to get his take on all this, but was unable to reach him. Knocks on the door only produced an eyeball spotted between bent venetian blinds.
1. Guacamole dip
3. Boiled rice
6. Sweet potato/marshmallow casserole
7. Jello mold salad
8. Irish soda bread
9. Vegetarian Lasagna
10. Carrot cake
11. Ritz crackers
12. Baked ziti
13. Macaroni salad
14. Rice cakes
WEARAMY, Wyoming (FNS) A study conducted here at Northeast Western Wyoming State College and Air Conditioning Institute produced shocking results on the behavior of boasters. Apparently not satisfied with proclaiming their actual accomplishments boasters often exaggerate them, even to the point of what might be viewed as prevarication. According to Communication Studies Professor Henry Higgins, a study of over 700 braggarts showed that more than 99% bolstered their stories by reporting facts inaccurately. In all cases, the inaccuracies favored the boaster and increased the unusualness of the anecdote. Among the distortions were raising the size of a bear sighted or fish caught, increasing the number of sexual partners, and minimizing the number of times the speaker failed to attain an erection. In a companion study conducted by Associate Professor Stan Still it was found that boaster also routinely embellished their credentials on job applications. “I found it shocking that these people would actually lie on a job application, “ said Still, “Apparently they have no shame. They exaggerated their education, their work experience and even claimed to have received honors and recognition they had not. Totally shocking.”
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia & LONDON, England (FNS) According to U.S. President Barack Obama, the news came out of nowhere. “I thought we were getting along so well. I thought we had a great future together. I didn’t expect this at all.” What the President was talking about was the sudden split between the United Kingdom and the United States. It began with a late night phone call, Thursday, August 29th. As the President answered the phone he heard the voice of the British Prime Minister on the other end. “We have to talk,” said David Cameron, uttering the dreaded phrase that has preceded breakups for generations. Obama admits to feeling a knot in his stomach immediately. “I could tell by his words and his tone of voice that something was terribly wrong. But I kept hoping it wouldn’t be anything final,” said the President. But it wasn’t to be. “I won’t drag this out,” said Cameron, “I owe you that much. I respect you enough to give it to you straight. I’m afraid this isn’t working out.” The President tried desperately to hold on. “We can change,” he said, “We can talk this out. I’m sure we can make it work.” But Cameron was firm. “It’s not about you,” he replied, uttering the phrase first said by Henry VIII to Ann Boleyn. “It’s us. We need time to think. I’m not saying it’s absolutely, finally over. But we need some time. We need some space. I’m sorry.” Trying to hold onto the last shred of his dignity, the teary eyed Obama said he understood. “I suppose I should have seen this coming. I mean, we never talk anymore. And you always seem busy when I try to get together. Let me ask you this: is there someone else?” “No, it isn’t that. There isn’t anyone,” replied the PM. “I mean it’s not like we’re going with anyone. But I think it’s best if we both see other countries.” After insisting that the U.S. would be waiting should the U.K. change its mind the President bid the PM goodbye saying, “We have such great memories together. I’ll always cherish them, whatever you finally decide.”
Studies have shown that the below-listed phrases rarely, if ever, have the desired effect and, in fact, often exacerbate an already tense situation. See if your own experience does not agree.
1. Calm down.
2. Take it easy.
3. Don’t worry.
4. Just forget about it.
5. Take a deep breath.
6. Watch your mouth.
7. Shut up.
8. Don’t get your bowels in an uproar.
9. Let it go.
10. Grow up.
11. Settle Down
12. Get a grip.
Here’s an experiment for you to try. The next time someone seems to be inappropriately agitated in your presence ask them to settle down. Did it work? The next time someone uses foul language in an angry rant, tell them, “Watch your mouth.” Will they stop cursing or curse more? According to surveys, each of the above-listed phrases actually have the opposite of the intended effect and cause people to do more of what you’re demanding or suggesting they do less of. And the next time a friend is in distress and obvious apprehension tell them, “Don’t worry.” Yeah, that should do the trick.
CHICAGO, Illinois (FNS) A plot to cause mayhem at Chicago’s Taul Towers has been foiled in a joint operation by the CIA, NSA and FBI along with local Chicago police. The buildings, named after the Bigg & Taul haberdashery empire, were to be egged by terrorists flying in one man ultralight aircraft, too small to show up on radar. Behind the disgusting and dastardly plot were Jordanian immigrant Ligma Jentuls, Chechnyan Pulya Pansdown and Ivana Eecha, reported to be Pansdown’s girlfriend.
In a connected action suspected terrorists Ahbin Pharteen of Yemen, Chet Mapantz, an American convert to Islam, and Indonesian extremist Lee Kee Anoos were arrested when their plan to tee pee all the cherry trees on the Washington Mall was sniffed out by the highly-respected anti-terrorist Special Agent Al Keiter of the FBI. Agents are after Lou Stoole who apparently left tracks when he fled and is expected to be apprehended soon.
If you have any info on the whereabouts of the above or known affiliates Soon Al Dooya, Juwana Phoogmi, Khana Cuminya or Rubma Baltz contact the anti-terrorist hot line at 1-800-BIG-TIPS. All calls will be handled confidentially by Special Agent Mike Hunt. Please do not tie up line with trivial calls. Mike Hunt only wants big tips.
EMERALD LAKES, Pennsylvania (FNS) In what is becoming an annual ritual, the Pennsylvania Department of Fish and Chips issued a reminder that the danger of lake sharks lurks just beneath the surface of seemingly tranquil lakes. Four of the five Emerald Lakes are in that category. Only Deer Lake has been declared shark free. Spokesperson Claire de Aire warned that, “People shouldn’t treat this as a joke. Lives can be lost that way. These fish are as real as angels, and you better have an angel guarding you if you venture into the water alone.” According to fish specialist Dr. Flo N. Rivers, some are in more danger than others. “Most full-time residents of Pennsylvania are safe. They have a natural shark repellant that they acquire from drinking water daily that comes from the local aquifer. It’s part-timers and visitors that face the greatest danger. They don’t have that natural protection and the sharks can smell them.” An adult shark of the genus Pennsylvanus lochus Rhincodon averages about 4 feet in length but can grow larger. The record is 8 feet taken from Lake Wallenpaupak in 1993. The local record was set last year when fisherman Henry William took a six-footer out of East Emerald Lake. They are most active during the day, especially on weekends. One thing to remember is that when swimming just beneath the surface, the shark’s body creates a smoothing effect on the water. Warns lifeguard Ike N. Saivem, “When the water is calm and smooth, that’s time to watch out. It’s probably a shark getting ready to strike.”