Monthly Archives: January 2013
Very Super Wings: The Beast
By Buz Whelan
I call this recipe the beast because the first time I made it some 24 years ago I used 6 tablespoons of butter, 6 tablespoons of hot sauce and 6 tablespoons of honey for the sauce. 666 is the sign of ‘the beast,’ the name for the devil during the middle ages. How many tablespoons of each you use depends on how many wings you’re making and how plump they are. This recipe is for 2 packages of Purdue Wingettes, my choice because they are plumper and meatier than most supermarket whole wings, and you don’t have that wasteful tip. If you do use whole wings, chop them into sections. Use the tips to make chicken stock, not in this recipe. I use Frank’s Hot Sauce because it doesn’t have the undertaste that I find in Tabasco. Use your favorite. Walmart’s Great Value would do fine.
2 packages Purdue Wingettes, 1 ½ lbs each
2 sticks lightly salted butter (1 cup)
1 C hot sauce
1 C honey, any variety (clover, apple blossom, etc)
Crisp the wing sections under your broiler being careful not to burn. About 5 minutes 3” from flame on each side should do, but monitor carefully because broilers vary greatly. Make sauce by melting butter in a saucepan and then adding hot sauce and honey. Bring slowly to a boil, stirring frequently. Place wings in disposable aluminum pan, cover with sauce. Bake covered in a low oven (250 degrees) for at least an hour or up to an hour and a half. Wings may be prepared a day ahead, refrigerated and reheated at the time of serving.
Taco Pizza: A Super Treat
By Buz Whelan
This recipe is more about assembling than cooking. It combines elements of foods that are favorites for game-watching, including tacos and nachos.
1 1/2 lbs ground beef
2 envelopes taco seasoning
Tomato sauce (according to seasoning directions)
½ to ¼ lb Monterey jack cheese, coarsely grated
15 oz can black olives, sliced
2 tomatoes, chopped to ½ chunks
1 medium onion, coarsely chopped
Package plain taco or tortilla chips
Hot salsa, to taste
Brown meat, drain off excess fat, add seasoning, tomato sauce and water according to package directions. Cover a 14” microwaveable platter with the chips. Top with the seasoned beef. Top beef with salsa according to what you can take. Place the sliced olives, chopped tomatoes and onion randomly all over the meat. Sprinkle the grated cheese to cover the assembled platter and place in the microwave until cheese is melted (alternately, you can place under oven broiler being careful not to burn). Use a pie server to make individual portions on smaller plates.
KANSAS CITY, Missouri (FNS) Much sought after free agent Beau Legge told the Kansas City Star that the reason he signed a contract with the Kansas City Chiefs was that they offered the most money. “It wasn’t about how great the fans are,” the fleet-footed wide receiver said, “Everybody says their fans are the greatest. It wasn’t about a winning attitude, either. Hell, they only won two games last year. And it wasn’t about how much I always wanted to play for the Chiefs. I’m from San Francisco. Why would I even think about playing in flat, dusty Kansas City? I’ll tell you why: money, and lots of it. That’s all they is to it.” It is believed to be the first time that money was the motivating factor in a sports contract decision.
By Buz Whelan
EMERALD LAKES, Pennsylvania (ELFP) The Emerald Lakes Board of Directors today held its January open meeting. President Alex Leslie called the meeting to order at 9:35 with Vice President Millie Bishop, Treasurer Earl Frank, and Directors Margaret Fitzgerald and Daniel Glasgow present. Also present were General Manager Allen Roth and Recording Secretary Roxanne Chumacha. Director Joe Miller was able to attend due to suffering flu-like symptoms. Board Secretary Carmen Broadnax joined the assembly about 10 minutes in.
President Leslie spoke on the need to assist committees in carrying out their mission and especially to help new committee members, of which there are presently quite a few, in understanding what their roles are and how they can operate most effectively. He suggested that an ad hoc committee might be formed by previous board members, with orientation sessions conducted with the previously stated aims in mind.
Among the highlights of the meeting was a resolution to restrict drinking in the game room to adults of legal age. This would bring Emerald Lakes into harmony with state alcohol regulations that pretty much restrict drinking anywhere to adults of legal age. The vote was 3 for, 1 against and 1 abstention.
The most contentious agenda item concerned the ad hoc Renewable Energy Committee. The president pointed out that the initial meeting by the committee was not conducted by normal procedures in that all interested members, those that had formally expressed a desire to join the committee, were not notified of the meeting and therefore the election of a chairperson and secretary should not be considered valid. Both Ms. Bishop and Ms. Broadnax opined that the deed was done, mistakes were made in the past, so why not one more? Neither saw any great importance in the failure to advise all concerned parties of the meeting. Ms. Fitzgerald stated that she was upset by the hostility she sees in various committee meetings and was apparently distressed at this example of a cavalier attitude toward our committee rules and bylaws. Ms. Broadnax countered that the committee had done some fine work, so it was a waste of time to start over. Then Daniel Glasgow had his turn. Mr. Glasgow thanked the committee for their good work, expressed his pleasure that they were moving forward. Then came the ‘but.’ He went on to say that all that was really beside the point. We must have procedures that are followed, no one should be allowed to treat committees as their own, going their own way and doing whatever was convenient. If the board were to be respected, it must follow its own rules. After much back and forth by both directors and members in attendance the board decided that, indeed, the initial election of a chair and secretary was not in accord with established procedure and that a meeting should be called, all concerned properly notified and a chair and secretary selected at that meeting. During this discussion, member David Pope strongly suggested that a procedure for starting and running ad hoc committees be made both detailed and explicit so that we do not find ourselves having this same argument over and over.
Perhaps to lighten the mood in the room, the president turned to the agendum regarding the resurfacing of the compactor/recycling area. The board followed by authorizing a study by the Fred Spot Engineering Firm to study the best method and cost for resurfacing the area. This was greeted by enthusiastic applause from the gallery.
The other important matter considered was a schedule for the production, analysis, discussion, review by membership and final approval of the 2013/2014 budget. The GM said he will present the initial budget to the Finance and Planning Committee at a special meeting convened for that purpose on Saturday, March 2nd. The committee will consider and discuss the budget, make their suggestions and be prepared for a March 16th joint meeting with the Emerald Lakes Board of Directors. Out of that meeting should come a form of the budget approved for comment by the membership. The board can formally approve this at their March 23rd open meeting, giving the membership until the April 27th open meeting to voice their comments. The board will then vote to give final approval to the budget at that April meeting, having it in place for the May 1st beginning of the new fiscal year as required by law.
TRUCK STOP, Indiana (FNS) A local man here claims to have read all the AOL terms and conditions prior to registering an email address. Mort D’Artur told a reporter from the Truck Stop Weakly, “It says you have to read the whole thing. It says at the end “I have read the terms and conditions and agree to comply with them.’ So, how could I check the box if I didn’t read them?” Mr. D’Artur also says that he read all five pages of the Itunes terms and conditions. “It took me a couple of hours, ‘cause I really didn’t understand some of the stuff the first time I read it. But they don’t want you to buy songs until you read all that. I’m pretty sure.” According to D’Artur, not reading the terms and conditions would be like telling your parents you studied when you really didn’t. What kind of person would do that?”
NEW YORK, New York (FNS) At a hastily called news conference in the Trump Tower media room a visibly agitated Donald Trump promised assembled reporters, “This is huge. This is absolutely tremendous. It’s very, very big. I have new information on President Obama’s real birth location. Absolute, irrefutable proof that he is not American and was not born in Hawaii. I have a witness that will prove this beyond any doubt. Here she is. I’ll let her tell you what she told me. Tell them, dear, tell them what you told me.”
At this point an incredibly thin woman, about 5’9”, with pale skin, tangled brown hair and bad teeth stepped up to the podium. She appeared nervous. “Well, this here is what I know. I was living in Chicago in 1998, and I wasn’t doing so well so I went to this mission place where I could get some food. There was this big room set up like a church, sort of, with a lot of chairs and a reverend who introduced this nice looking black fella. Turned out to be Barack Obama. Called hisself Barry Obama then. He talked to us real good about how we could get jobs and make things better. He was real nice. Then he said something about being born on a Thursday in Hawaii. I guess ‘cause it was Thursday that day, it reminded him. Anyways that’s what I think he said, but I was way in the back. But Mr. Trump says that’s real important. So, that’s about it.”
Trump returned to the podium at this point, elbowing the woman aside. ‘You heard it,” he trumpeted. “From the witness herself. Thursday she said. But August 4, 1961, Obama’s published birthday, was a Tuesday in Honolulu. So, he couldn’t have been born there. Where was it Thursday? I checked with an astronomer, an educated expert and professor at a community college, and he told me that the only place August 4, 1961 was a Thursday was on Mars. Period. Now we know. Obama was not even born on this planet. He’ll have to resign now.” The Donald then spent the last ½ of the conference touting the new season of “Celebrity Apprentice,” which he promises will be the “most tremendous, fantastic, exciting and important ‘Apprentice’ ever. This is going to be huge.”
Web Surfer Complains: You Can’t Google Google
BOURBON CREEK, Kentucky (FNS) Web surfer Peter Owt is annoyed because he has been unable to Google the search engine ‘Google.’ “All I get,” whines Owt, “is the search page and icon blinking “what are you looking for?” at me. “I’m looking for information about Google, that’s what I’m looking for. It’s frustrating. What are they trying to hide?” The angry seeker says this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to him. “A while ago I tried to friend ‘Facebook.’ All I got was stuff about how many friends I could connect with. Advertising stuff, know what I mean? Seems a little ironic, doesn’t it? I mean, you can’t friend ‘Facebook.’ You can only friend other people and organizations. What’s so special about ‘Facebook’ they can’t be friended?” Owt said it reminded him of when he tried to throw away a trash can years ago. “I put out this old dented metal can, empty, along with some brand new filled plastic cans. They left it. So, I put a sign on it that said ‘trash.’ Didn’t work. Changed the sign to ‘this can is trash.’ Still didn’t work. Even when I made the sign say, “This is trash, please take it,” they ignored the can. Eventually I gave up and put a sign on it that said, ‘This can is for sale. Inquire within for price.’ It was gone the next day.”
NRA Offers Compromise to White House
SPENT ROUND, Texas (FNS) NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre says he is ready to bend over for Obama. “We’re going to make an unprecedented concession,” the blustery gasbag said. “We are proposing that anyone involved in a mass killing, anyone at all who kills children and even adults, should not be allowed by law to own an assault rifle in the future. I think it’s obvious now who it is that wants to save our kids.”
Cable Network F/X Announces Brand New Show
FILTHY RICH HILLS, California (FNS) In keeping with the entertainment industry’s most powerful dictum (“if it works, drive it into the ground”) cable broadcaster F/X Network today announce a new series promising to break absolutely no new ground whatsoever. The series, titled “Lincoln Unchained at the Homeland Abby,” will star David Spade, Gary Coleman, Betty White and Kirstie Alley. The producers also promise gobs of guest stars and cameos from ‘80s and ‘90s shows, as well as movie actors you recognize but can’t name. No further details were available.
New Orleans Bread Pudding with Lemon Sauce and Chantilly Cream
By Buz Whelan
3 large eggs
1 ¼ C sugar
2t pure vanilla extract
1 ½ t nutmeg
1 ½ t ground cinnamon
¼ C butter, melted
2 C whole milk
1 C chopped pecans, dry roasted
5 C very stale French or Italian bread cubes, including crusts
In a large bowl beat eggs at high speed until frothy and bubbles are pinhead-sized. Add next 5 ingredients and beat until combined. Beat in milk, then add pecans. This mixture may seem too sweet but the bland bread will balance it out.
Put bread cubes in greased loaf pan, add egg/milk mixture and toss until well blended. Let sit about 45 minutes as bread soaks up mixture, tamping down lightly with your fingers periodically. Place in 350 degree oven, immediately lower to 300 and bake 40 minutes. Raise temp to 425 and bake until well-browned and puffy, about 15 to 20 minutes more. Remove and cool on wire rack. To serve, remove pudding from pan, slice 1” piece, top with 2 T warm Lemon Sauce and a scoop of Chantilly Cream.
2 Lemons, halved
½ C sugar
2 t pure vanilla extract
4 t cornstarch dissolved in ½ C water
Squeeze lemons into 2 quart saucepan straining out pits. Add the water and sugar and drop in the lemon halves. Bring to a boil. Stir in the cornstarch mixture and the vanilla. Cook about 1 minute, stirring constantly. Transfer to pouring bowl or small pitcher, squeezing and straining out the lemon halves.
1 1/3 C heavy cream
2 t pure vanilla extract
2 t brandy
2 t Grand Marnier
½ C sugar
¼ C sour cream
Chill a large bowl and beaters. Beat the cream, vanilla, brandy and Grand Marnier on medium speed about a minute. Add the sugar and sour cream. Beat until soft peaks form. Do not overbeat or the mixture will become grainy.
The combination above will serve 6 to 8. The lemon sauce should be warm and the cream ice cold. Enjoy.
4 Lamb Shanks, 1 – 2 lbs ea
4T Extra Virgin Olive Oil
3” ginger, peeled and finely minced
2 cloves garlic, finely minced
1 Serrano chili, seeded, chopped
1 onion sliced very thin
2 stalks celery, diced
1 large carrot, diced
2t ground cumin
2t ground coriander seed
2 cinnamon sticks
3 star anise
2 pinches saffron(or more if you can afford it)
3C turkey stock
2 16oz cans peeled tomatoes
12 dried apricots, sliced
S&P to taste
Garnish: sliced toasted almonds, chopped parsley, 20 green and black non-pitted olives
Preheat oven to 325. Place EVOO, onion, garlic and ginger in heavy pot or ossa buco pan over medium heat, stir, cooking until softened. Add carrots, celery & spices, cook about 5 min stirring constantly. Add turkey stock, tomatoes with juices, & apricots and bring to a boil. If you used a pot, transfer to deep pyrex dish (or baking dish/casserole). Place shanks in sauce so about ¼ is above sauce. Place in oven, uncovered. Cook, turning about every 40 minutes so you get even browning. When browned to your satisfaction, cover and continue cooking. After a total of about 3 hours, meat will be falling off bone and sauce thickened. Remove from oven, skim off fat and plate, 1 shank per serving. Garnish each with almonds, parsley and olives.
Serving suggestion: plate with your favorite herbed mashed potatoes to soak up the fabulous sauce.
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (FNS) Newly re-elected House Speaker John Boehner was visibly shaken as he announced the expiration of Bush-era tax reductions on individuals earning $250,000 or more or families with incomes exceeding $450,000. His body racked with sobs, the speaker lamented the hardships and job losses that would follow. “Many of these people will have to learn to cook their own food, raise their children themselves and in some extreme cases (gasp) even mow their own grass. And remember, some of these folks have huge lawns,” the anguished congressman cried. Boehner further pointed out that, “job losses among household staff, gardeners and nannies could be staggering. I don’t think the Democrats realize what they hath wrought.” Minority leader Nancy Pelosi was unavailable for comment.
Bloomberg Announces Subway Success
NEW YORK, New York (FNS) A clearly delighted Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today that not one person has been pushed to their death in front of an oncoming subway train in two entire days. “We are making unmistakable progress in cutting down on these unnecessary tragedies. Pushing someone into the path of an oncoming train is just plain wrong. I think New Yorkers are beginning to get that message.” According to the mayor, more measures are necessary. “I still like my idea of putting air bags on the front of these trains. Hey, it works with cars, doesn’t it? Even if it does reduce the motorman’s field of vision, it should reduce injuries. I know that given the choice, I’d rather be hit with a big old bag of air than the front of a subway car. Who wouldn’t?”
Kardashian Pix Bidding Tops $100,000,000
LOS ANGELES, California (FNS) Furious bidding on the moment-of-birth pictures by the expectant Kim Kardashian has the current high bid at $110,000,000. At press time the high bidder was US Weekly, but that may change many times in the coming weeks and months. Some experts say the bidding war could top one billion dollars. According to People Magazine publicist Fannie Packe, no amount would be too much to pay. “This is big, really big. These pictures are more important than the moon landing shots. They may even be bigger than Kim Kardashian’s First Wedding Pictures,” she said, speaking breathlessly in capitalized words. There was one cautionary note, however. Late Night host David Letterman warned, “I hope the press doesn’t make too big a thing of this.” We’ll just have to wait and see.
Cubans Celebrate Revolution Anniversary
HAVANA, Cuba (FNS) Joyful Cubans turned out in the hundreds to celebrate the 54th anniversary of the People’s Republic of Cuba. It was Cuban rum and Cuban cigars all around as the Central Committee feted aging semi-retired El Presidente-for-Life Fidel Castro at a private party held in the kitchen of the Presidential Palace and Souvenir Bodega. Excited representatives of the Young Cubans for the Worship and Adoration of El Presidente presented the man himself with lavish gifts including a full color Emerson console television with shiny oversized horizontal and vertical control knobs and two tires, both with some tread, for the president’s 1959 Chevrolet. The grateful Castro farted with joy at the surprise presentation.