BREAKING WIND, Colorado (FNS) It appears that at long last, atheists will have their first holiday. The
Atheist Coalition of Everywhere(ACE) has decreed December 27^th as their first annual holiday. Coalition spokesperson Agnes Ticke explained, “We’re sick and tired of being the only people without holidays. Christians, Jews, Muslims, what have you, they all have them. There’s Christmas and Easter, Hanukkah and Passover, Ramadan, Festivus, and on and on. What have we got? Bupkis, that’s what. Until now. We are officially declaring December 27^th 2012 as the first Big Atheist Holiday, or BAH. Maybe we’ll get a better name later. First things first. Our colors for the holiday will be the rainbow. Why not? Christmas is red and green. Hanukkah is blue and white. We’re all the colors. Also, the tradition of giving expensive presents begins immediately. Never mind ‘it’s the thought that counts.’ That one came from the cheapskates. Have expensive thoughts. And we’ll be writing songs about how good it is to be alive, because dead is nowhere.”

At an informal reception following the announcement ACE Vice President Alby Darnd told reporters that there will be other holidays coming. “We need something for the Spring to counteract Easter and Passover. I need to look up Christopher Hitchens’ birthday. Maybe we could celebrate that.”