A recent survey revealed that only 8% of respondents report keeping a New Year’s resolution. Since this number is based on self-report you can bet the success rate is even less. Why is this? It’s simple: people make crappy resolutions, ones that are near impossible to keep. They’re doomed from the start. So, here’s our solution. Try one or more of these resolutions. Hell, try ‘em all. We bet you can keep them if you put your mind to it.

Ten Resolutions You Can Realistically Expect to Keep:

I resolve

1. To gain weight

2. To take up or increase smoking

3. To go deeper into debt

4. To be more judgmental of people around me

5. To avoid exercise

6. To eat more salty, fatty foods

7. To drink more

8. To ignore ‘Friend’ requests

9. To settle scores and take revenge – to forgive no one

10. To unhesitatingly tell my friends what they must do to improve themselves

11. To break wind with total abandon