Your Nearly News Horoscope
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Something unexpected will happen just when you least expect it. Be prepared.
Cancer (June 21-July22) Be cautious in financial dealings.
Leo (July 23-August 22) You will find yourself among strangers. Act normal.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) This is a time of confusion in your life. Try and figure out why.
Libra (September 23-October 22) You will encounter a negative person. Be negative in return, but in a positive way.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Danger lurks in automobiles. Avoid cars for next 3 months.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) You know what you did and you’re likely to get caught. Deception is your best option.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) You are a superstitious person. Avoid objects that may be cursed.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Beware of advice freely given. Mistrust everyone.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) You are a lazy person who spends way too much time looking for easy answers. Get a grip. Stop wasting time reading newspaper mumbo jumbo.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Don’t waste everybody’s time chasing unrealistic dreams. You cannot be anything you want. Get real. Stop bothering people.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You are gullible and unimaginative, the kind of person who thinks they can get wisdom and prescience from a horoscope. Seek help forthwith.