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“Miraculous” Image Seen on Statue
023/365 Gourmet French Toast (Photo credit: Zoe MacLean)
DRY CREEK, New Mexico (FNS) Thousands of believers are flocking to the home of Maria Elena Antonia de la Montoya in this sleepy, sparsely populated New Mexico hamlet to view a mysterious image that has appeared in the folds of an outdoor religious statue. Many swear they can clearly make out the unmistakable form and coloring of a piece of French toast. “I seen it with my own eyes,” says Al Zymer of nearby Shimmering Heat, “It’s a message from God. Breakfast is the most important meal. Make sure you eat it.”
The statue is located in the front yard and apparently was stained by water overflowing from the drainpipe above. A small, squarish, mottled yellow and brown stain has been imprinted on the folds of the statue’s gown. Religious zealots, breakfast lovers and nutritionists crowd around daily, many feeling validated by the event. “I’ve been telling people to eat a good breakfast for over 20 years,” says nutritionist Vera Blande-Dyatt, “Now I feel like someone above is telling everyone I was right.”
The question remains, though, is this really an image of French toast or just a randomly-patterned water stain. Skeptics are in full throat on this. Danish phenomenologist Dr. Hedden der Klowd poses the question this way: “Do you want it to be French toast? Then it is. Do you only see a stain? Then for you there is no breakfast depicted. Believers see; cynics doubt. That’s the way of the world. You see what you want to see. Ever see Tiera del Fuego? Ever see the inside of a septic tank? No? That’s my point. You see what you want to see.” Of course, this clears nothing up. Decide for yourself. View the picture on page 13 and make up your own mind.
Astronomer Admits Constellations Don’t Look Like That
BALD SPOT, New Mexico (FNS) Breaking thousands of years of tradition and pretension, noted astronomer Dr. Hy N. deSkye today admitted to a hushed room of reporters that constellations are, essentially, bullshit. At a press conference called for the purpose, the scientist told the gathering that no one in his right mind could see the crap that has been put out there for centuries. “It’s the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ in the sky,” he said, “Look for yourselves. Look at Orion. You see a hunter with a club and a sword? Are you nuts? And Cassiopeia. That’s a woman in a chair? Then there’s Pegasus, the winged horse. Where in hell do you see that? Okay, I see the Big Dipper. Nice. A few stars in a dipper shape. I get that. But that’s also Ursa Major, the Big Bear. Can you see its shiny nose? Its big paws, can you see them? Absolute nonsense. I cannot believe they’ve been getting away with this crap just about forever.”
As reporters began questioning the good doctor, aides entered the room and hustled him quickly away before he had a chance to answer any of their queries. Said one observatory spokesman, “Dr. deSkye has not been feeling himself lately. I hope you all understand.” Shouted out a reporter from the back of the room, “Who has he been feeling?” There was no further comment.
Emerald Lakes Free Press 