AUKWARDLAND, New Zealand (FNS) International restaurant chain “Hog Wild” has announced plans to expand to the United States. Currently operating over 350 “Sties” as the restaurants are called by ownership, the first to open in the U.S. will be in Belcher’s Flats, Alabama. Says founder and CEO Phil deBelli, “We are so very excited. Our menu was made for America. For instance, you got our Gut-Bustin’ Burger, a full pound of ground meat product on a potato pancake, topped with American, cheddar and Monterey jack cheese, four strips of thick slab bacon, battered, deep fried onion crispies and our special sauce – it’s like Thousand Island dressing on steroids – and all served on a sourdough bun. Is that a sandwich for America or what? Then we got our smoked, maple-glazed pork medallions with cracklins’ – that’s deep fried, crispy pork fat – plated with cheese-topped French fries and our giant, butter-rich cheddar biscuits. Yum, yum. Of course, we’ll have our signature Trough O’ Plenty, an all you can scarf out of our barbecue chopped meat combination, and all the garlic butter bread you can eat. Just slap on the bib, stick your face in and chow down ‘til your heart’s content. It’s a little sloppy, but folks love it.”

Director of Operations Lhoda Bloney added, “We’re all about health and safety. Every Hog Wild restaurant has an EMT bus and two trained attendants standing by at all times. They know CPR and all that stuff. We don’t want anybody getting too sick on us. Sometimes people get to overdoing it a little. We’re ready for that.”

According to a sample menu passed out at the press conference, desserts are ‘big’ at Hog Wild as well. Entries include the Pig Out Pie Plate that starts with deep dish apple pie topped with a generous scoop of ice cream, chopped walnuts and whipped cream. The “Go Hog Wild Banana Split” features three softball-sized scoops of ice cream on a bed of overripe bananas with chocolate, strawberry and pineapple sauces, whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles and a red and green maraschino cherry for toppers. It’s rated at a whopping 4,375 calories.

Restaurant critic Stu Potts just shakes his head. “This is simply a cholesterol distribution point. You can gain weight reading the menu. And there’s enough sodium in the entrees to raise the blood pressure of Peoria, Illinois by 50 points. I think all Hog Wild restaurants should be built next to infirmaries.”