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New “Star Trek” Script Leaked?

HOLLYWOOD, California (FNS) An outline for the next movie in the “Star Trek” series has been quietly circulating among the cognoscenti in Tinseltown. While studio executives deny its authenticity, those in the know say otherwise. Movie critic Helen Highwadder comments, “Whether it was accurate or not, no one connected to the franchise would ever admit it. Denials are de rigueur in a town where surprise, secrecy and publicity all intersect.”

st_shatner_nimoy_devil[1]    shatner-nimoy[1] According to the information shown to Faux News, the new script brings back the original cast. The Enterprise encounters a wormhole that turns out to be a time-shifting portal. Once through, our intrepid crew finds themselves nearing Earth in the year 2014. As they enter the atmosphere they begin receiving strange signals from a large building in Southern California. Kirk orders the source to be displayed on the view screen. The astonished bridge crew sees aliens of every stripe and a huge mockup of their ship. What they do not know is that they have stumbled upon a Star Trek convention, complete with costumed conventioneers. Kirk and Spock decide to beam down to get a closer look and find out just what is going on. Has Earth been invaded? Is it in danger of being taken over by hostile aliens? Is it their mission to prevent this? Is that why they were sent back in time, to save Earth?

As the pair beam down they are immediately surrounded by excited, chattering fans, many in full costume. Our heroes are concerned. What is this “oddograf” they are demanding? Why are they thrusting these primitive marking instruments at them? And then comes the dramatic moment when Kirk and Spock come face to face with convention stars William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy, dressed in full Starfleet uniforms. Convention visitor Imelda Mynde is stunned. “What the Hell?” she cries out. “This is way too weird.” Shatner points to Kirk and exclaims, “They’re impostors,” as he pulls out his prop blaster. Spock and Kirk, confused and unaware of the true nature of the situation pull out their own blasters. “Set your blaster on ‘disintegrate,’” he orders Spock. As the two are mobbed they become panicked and begin firing at the crowd. People are suddenly disappearing. No one is sure what is happening. The crowd backs away leaving Kirk and Spock to face Shatner and Nimoy. Shatner raises his prop blaster as if to fire. Kirk fires first disintegrating the actor. Simultaneously, Spock fires at Nimoy. As Nimoy disintegrates, Spock tells Kirk, “I have a strange sensation. I’m fading. Look, you’re fading too.” In a few seconds the two are gone. An acrid smell fills the area.

Back on the Enterprise, Mr. Scott informs Sulu that he has lost contact with the away team. “It’s as if they just stopped being,” he says breathlessly to Sulu. Uhura chimes in, “I think we better find that wormhole and get out of here before we all evaporate.” A final shot of the Enterprise sailing into the wormhole, a voiceover saying “Every five year mission has an end…” And then, cue theme music.

Is this really the outline for the next movie? We can only hope.


Oscar Aftermath

HOLLYWOOD, California (FNS) Oscar after parties can be as interesting as the awards event itself. At the Vanity Fair gala, loser Steven Spielberg

Just be happy I couldn't find a picture of braised bison testicles!

Just be happy I couldn’t find a picture of braised bison testicles!

could be heard describing actors as, “a bunch of phonies pretending to be people they’re not. I hate having to work with them, but at least I get to be their boss. That’s the best thing about directing.”

Jennifer Lawrence was out for revenge after being embarrassed on international TV by Seth MacFarlane’s opening number, “We saw your boobs.” She walked up to MacFarlane and sang in his face, “I’ve seen your package, I saw your lackage, I’ve seen your weenie, it’s really teenie.” The best actress and dress tripper then danced around the party for over an hour singing the ditty again and again.

Ann Hathaway told a reporter the best thing about the Academy Awards was that they were over. “Now I can gain that god damn weight I lost for “Les Miz.” A cupcake should do it.”

Over in a corner an earnest Ang Lee was regaling a noticeably bemused audience. The best director was saying stuff no one could understand, as usual. His listeners were smiling and nodding, no doubt hoping he wasn’t saying anything offensive. Lee didn’t seem to notice their confusion and talked on and on with great animation. Off to the side, Ben  Affleck, winner for producing Best Picture “Argo” but snubbed for a Best Director nomination, snided, “There’s your Best Director. Brilliant conversationalist, no? You could learn from that guy…if you spoke pigeon English.”

At the buffet, catered by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck, trays filled with hundreds of tiny things that nobody knew what they were went largely ignored by the consciously skinny crowd. At one end of the table little cards described such treats as Malaysian sea worm with truffles, toadstool cakes with eckleberry compote and truffles, braised bison testicles on roasted banana skins with truffles, and chopped lobster antennae on barley toast with truffles. Where, oh where, were the chicken lips?


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