WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (FNS) House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner wept openly following a press conference called by House Democrats to draw attention to the U.S. improving economic outlook. “I can’t stand it,” the speaker was overheard saying to associates, “We were so close. Everything was crappola, perfect for us. And that damn asshole Romney blew it. What are we going to do now? The Dow is at an all-time high. Consumer confidence is up. Unemployment is dropping like a rock. If this keeps up there’ll be no bad news to run on. Talk about bad luck.”
Spotting the reporters nearby, Boehner press aide Mike Rafone excitedly explained that what the speaker meant was that the economy only looks good. There is danger lurking in the numbers. “People see these numbers and they begin to believe Obama knows what he’s doing. They start to think his policies are working. Next thing they’ll want to raise taxes. “Raise taxes on the rey-ich. Raise taxes on the rey-ich.” They sound like Gomer hollering at Barney. “Citizen arrey-est. Citizens arrey-est.”
According to RNC Chairperson Dunce Primus, “We need distraction. We can’t let Americans focus on the economy and employment. We need investigations and hearings, things like that. Drag out the Benghazi thing. Blow up the IRS focus on Tea Party groups. The main thing is to make Obama look bad and make Hillary unelectable for 2016. If we can’t get the economy to tank, this stuff is next best.
Returning to Boehner, the speaker lamented, “We’re the party of God. We’re the Christian right, for God’s sake. We’re a prayerful group and I pray for a downturn nightly, that we Republicans might prevail in the mid-term elections. But day after day we get more and more good economic news. Sometimes I wonder just whose side God is on.”
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (FNS) Newly re-elected House Speaker John Boehner was visibly shaken as he announced the expiration of Bush-era tax reductions on individuals earning $250,000 or more or families with incomes exceeding $450,000. His body racked with sobs, the speaker lamented the hardships and job losses that would follow. “Many of these people will have to learn to cook their own food, raise their children themselves and in some extreme cases (gasp) even mow their own grass. And remember, some of these folks have huge lawns,” the anguished congressman cried. Boehner further pointed out that, “job losses among household staff, gardeners and nannies could be staggering. I don’t think the Democrats realize what they hath wrought.” Minority leader Nancy Pelosi was unavailable for comment.
Bloomberg Announces Subway Success
NEW YORK, New York (FNS) A clearly delighted Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today that not one person has been pushed to their death in front of an oncoming subway train in two entire days. “We are making unmistakable progress in cutting down on these unnecessary tragedies. Pushing someone into the path of an oncoming train is just plain wrong. I think New Yorkers are beginning to get that message.” According to the mayor, more measures are necessary. “I still like my idea of putting air bags on the front of these trains. Hey, it works with cars, doesn’t it? Even if it does reduce the motorman’s field of vision, it should reduce injuries. I know that given the choice, I’d rather be hit with a big old bag of air than the front of a subway car. Who wouldn’t?”
Kardashian Pix Bidding Tops $100,000,000
LOS ANGELES, California (FNS) Furious bidding on the moment-of-birth pictures by the expectant Kim Kardashian has the current high bid at $110,000,000. At press time the high bidder was US Weekly, but that may change many times in the coming weeks and months. Some experts say the bidding war could top one billion dollars. According to People Magazine publicist Fannie Packe, no amount would be too much to pay. “This is big, really big. These pictures are more important than the moon landing shots. They may even be bigger than Kim Kardashian’s First Wedding Pictures,” she said, speaking breathlessly in capitalized words. There was one cautionary note, however. Late Night host David Letterman warned, “I hope the press doesn’t make too big a thing of this.” We’ll just have to wait and see.
Cubans Celebrate Revolution Anniversary
HAVANA, Cuba (FNS) Joyful Cubans turned out in the hundreds to celebrate the 54th anniversary of the People’s Republic of Cuba. It was Cuban rum and Cuban cigars all around as the Central Committee feted aging semi-retired El Presidente-for-Life Fidel Castro at a private party held in the kitchen of the Presidential Palace and Souvenir Bodega. Excited representatives of the Young Cubans for the Worship and Adoration of El Presidente presented the man himself with lavish gifts including a full color Emerson console television with shiny oversized horizontal and vertical control knobs and two tires, both with some tread, for the president’s 1959 Chevrolet. The grateful Castro farted with joy at the surprise presentation.