U.K./U.S. Breakup: What Happened?
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia & LONDON, England (FNS) According to U.S. President Barack Obama, the news came out of nowhere. “I thought we were getting along so well. I thought we had a great future together. I didn’t expect this at all.” What the President was talking about was the sudden split between the United Kingdom and the United States. It began with a late night phone call, Thursday, August 29th. As the President answered the phone he heard the voice of the British Prime Minister on the other end. “We have to talk,” said David Cameron, uttering the dreaded phrase that has preceded breakups for generations. Obama admits to feeling a knot in his stomach immediately. “I could tell by his words and his tone of voice that something was terribly wrong. But I kept hoping it wouldn’t be anything final,” said the President. But it wasn’t to be. “I won’t drag this out,” said Cameron, “I owe you that much. I respect you enough to give it to you straight. I’m afraid this isn’t working out.” The President tried desperately to hold on. “We can change,” he said, “We can talk this out. I’m sure we can make it work.” But Cameron was firm. “It’s not about you,” he replied, uttering the phrase first said by Henry VIII to Ann Boleyn. “It’s us. We need time to think. I’m not saying it’s absolutely, finally over. But we need some time. We need some space. I’m sorry.” Trying to hold onto the last shred of his dignity, the teary eyed Obama said he understood. “I suppose I should have seen this coming. I mean, we never talk anymore. And you always seem busy when I try to get together. Let me ask you this: is there someone else?” “No, it isn’t that. There isn’t anyone,” replied the PM. “I mean it’s not like we’re going with anyone. But I think it’s best if we both see other countries.” After insisting that the U.S. would be waiting should the U.K. change its mind the President bid the PM goodbye saying, “We have such great memories together. I’ll always cherish them, whatever you finally decide.”
Boehner Weeps Over Recovering Economy
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (FNS) House of Representatives Speaker John Boehner wept openly following a press conference called by House Democrats to draw attention to the U.S. improving economic outlook. “I can’t stand it,” the speaker was overheard saying to associates, “We were so close. Everything was crappola, perfect for us. And that damn asshole Romney blew it. What are we going to do now? The Dow is at an all-time high. Consumer confidence is up. Unemployment is dropping like a rock. If this keeps up there’ll be no bad news to run on. Talk about bad luck.”
Spotting the reporters nearby, Boehner press aide Mike Rafone excitedly explained that what the speaker meant was that the economy only looks good. There is danger lurking in the numbers. “People see these numbers and they begin to believe Obama knows what he’s doing. They start to think his policies are working. Next thing they’ll want to raise taxes. “Raise taxes on the rey-ich. Raise taxes on the rey-ich.” They sound like Gomer hollering at Barney. “Citizen arrey-est. Citizens arrey-est.”
According to RNC Chairperson Dunce Primus, “We need distraction. We can’t let Americans focus on the economy and employment. We need investigations and hearings, things like that. Drag out the Benghazi thing. Blow up the IRS focus on Tea Party groups. The main thing is to make Obama look bad and make Hillary unelectable for 2016. If we can’t get the economy to tank, this stuff is next best.
Returning to Boehner, the speaker lamented, “We’re the party of God. We’re the Christian right, for God’s sake. We’re a prayerful group and I pray for a downturn nightly, that we Republicans might prevail in the mid-term elections. But day after day we get more and more good economic news. Sometimes I wonder just whose side God is on.”
Ten Predictions Absolutely 100% Guaranteed to Come True
In December of each year I used to buy supermarket tabloids that featured predictions by expert psychics on what would occur in the coming year. There was usually something about Elvis being found alive, the queen abdicating in favor of her son, a cure for all forms of cancer and a miraculous appearance by some dead saint to warn the earth’s people about something evil afoot. I would save them for my Christmas party the following December and read them to gales of laughter. Nothing ever came true. Maybe I could do better, I often thought. So here are my predictions for the next 12 months or so. Save them and check me out next April 1st.
1. The weather will change.
2. Lindsey Lohan will have a new legal problem.
3. A big-time Major League Baseball player will tear something, ending his season.
4. Joe Biden will say something stupid.
5. Donald Trump will say something stupid.
6. Prices will rise.
7. Kim Kardashian will be in the news for something not newsworthy.
8. Somebody really, really famous will die.
9. There will be a mass murder and NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre will say that if more people had guns the tragedy could have been prevented.
10. The Pope will call for peace in the Middle East.
11. A professional athlete will apologize for a homophobic tweet.
12. President Obama will state that Iran absolutely, positively not be allowed to have nuclear weapons.
13. Iran will announce their nuclear program is peaceful and will continue.
News Briefs for January 18, 2013
New Trump Bombshell: Obama Not Earthling
NEW YORK, New York (FNS) At a hastily called news conference in the Trump Tower media room a visibly agitated Donald Trump promised assembled reporters, “This is huge. This is absolutely tremendous. It’s very, very big. I have new information on President Obama’s real birth location. Absolute, irrefutable proof that he is not American and was not born in Hawaii. I have a witness that will prove this beyond any doubt. Here she is. I’ll let her tell you what she told me. Tell them, dear, tell them what you told me.”
At this point an incredibly thin woman, about 5’9”, with pale skin, tangled brown hair and bad teeth stepped up to the podium. She appeared nervous. “Well, this here is what I know. I was living in Chicago in 1998, and I wasn’t doing so well so I went to this mission place where I could get some food. There was this big room set up like a church, sort of, with a lot of chairs and a reverend who introduced this nice looking black fella. Turned out to be Barack Obama. Called hisself Barry Obama then. He talked to us real good about how we could get jobs and make things better. He was real nice. Then he said something about being born on a Thursday in Hawaii. I guess ‘cause it was Thursday that day, it reminded him. Anyways that’s what I think he said, but I was way in the back. But Mr. Trump says that’s real important. So, that’s about it.”
Trump returned to the podium at this point, elbowing the woman aside. ‘You heard it,” he trumpeted. “From the witness herself. Thursday she said. But August 4, 1961, Obama’s published birthday, was a Tuesday in Honolulu. So, he couldn’t have been born there. Where was it Thursday? I checked with an astronomer, an educated expert and professor at a community college, and he told me that the only place August 4, 1961 was a Thursday was on Mars. Period. Now we know. Obama was not even born on this planet. He’ll have to resign now.” The Donald then spent the last ½ of the conference touting the new season of “Celebrity Apprentice,” which he promises will be the “most tremendous, fantastic, exciting and important ‘Apprentice’ ever. This is going to be huge.”
Web Surfer Complains: You Can’t Google Google
BOURBON CREEK, Kentucky (FNS) Web surfer Peter Owt is annoyed because he has been unable to Google the search engine ‘Google.’ “All I get,” whines Owt, “is the search page and icon blinking “what are you looking for?” at me. “I’m looking for information about Google, that’s what I’m looking for. It’s frustrating. What are they trying to hide?” The angry seeker says this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to him. “A while ago I tried to friend ‘Facebook.’ All I got was stuff about how many friends I could connect with. Advertising stuff, know what I mean? Seems a little ironic, doesn’t it? I mean, you can’t friend ‘Facebook.’ You can only friend other people and organizations. What’s so special about ‘Facebook’ they can’t be friended?” Owt said it reminded him of when he tried to throw away a trash can years ago. “I put out this old dented metal can, empty, along with some brand new filled plastic cans. They left it. So, I put a sign on it that said ‘trash.’ Didn’t work. Changed the sign to ‘this can is trash.’ Still didn’t work. Even when I made the sign say, “This is trash, please take it,” they ignored the can. Eventually I gave up and put a sign on it that said, ‘This can is for sale. Inquire within for price.’ It was gone the next day.”
NRA Offers Compromise to White House
SPENT ROUND, Texas (FNS) NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre says he is ready to bend over for Obama. “We’re going to make an unprecedented concession,” the blustery gasbag said. “We are proposing that anyone involved in a mass killing, anyone at all who kills children and even adults, should not be allowed by law to own an assault rifle in the future. I think it’s obvious now who it is that wants to save our kids.”
Cable Network F/X Announces Brand New Show
FILTHY RICH HILLS, California (FNS) In keeping with the entertainment industry’s most powerful dictum (“if it works, drive it into the ground”) cable broadcaster F/X Network today announce a new series promising to break absolutely no new ground whatsoever. The series, titled “Lincoln Unchained at the Homeland Abby,” will star David Spade, Gary Coleman, Betty White and Kirstie Alley. The producers also promise gobs of guest stars and cameos from ‘80s and ‘90s shows, as well as movie actors you recognize but can’t name. No further details were available.
Inside the Obama ‘Ground Game’
By Buz Whelan
Much was made of the Obama campaign’s ‘ground game’ by analysts in the months leading up to election day. The vaunted machine was supposed to be a difference maker, yet Republicans paid little heed to the David Plouffe-designed system. On November 6th, they paid the price for that insouciance.
Obama Campaign Demands Recount
CHICAGO, Illinois (FNS) The Obama campaign, though not the President himself, is demanding a recount of the election results. Top advisors were stunned by what they judged as the closeness of the final tally and have so far refused to believe the totals. Particularly excised are the two Davids, top advisors Axelrod and Plouffe. Said Axelrod, “I can’t believe this guy got 206 electoral votes. I mean this is a party that believes life begins at last call. I’m very disappointed. I figured he might get a hundred votes, but I expected Goldwater numbers.” Strategist David Plouffe was equally surprised. “I know the polls showed it was going to be a close election, but those were from Read the rest of this entry