RIFLE RANGE, Texas(FNS) National Rifle Association vice president and chief spokesman Wayne LaPierre has called on Congress to enact a law requiring all able-bodied American adults, male and female, to carry side arms at all times. Previously convicted felons would be excused from the law. According to LaPierre, “Think about if everyone in that Aurora theatre had a weapon. They would’ve stopped that guy.” When it was pointed out that the gunman was wearing heavy body armor and that multiple shooters in a dark theatre, be they good or bad guys, would be hard to sort out, Lapierre snorted that sometimes you have to have collateral damage to teach a lesson. But apparently assault weapons aren’t going far enough for some. NRA member Lauren Auder went a step further. “What we really need is good guys armed as good as bad guys is. What good would that body armor woulda done if someone had a LAW (light anti-tank weapon)? They coulda blowed that dude to smithereens. Makes me hot thinkin’ about it.”

Anti-gun crusader Hy Lee Strung was aghast when told of the NRA proposition and spokesperson comments. “Okay, you’re in a darkened theatre. Someone in black protective clothing starts shooting. Others pull out guns and start shooting at him. Still more confused at the happenings start shooting at those who are trying to bring down the original shooter. Now more return fire at them. And remember, only the perp has bullet-proof gear on. We would see a death toll raised by an order of ten or more in magnitude.” Responded LaPierre, “That’s just whiney, pinko liberal talk. Sissy talk. Real men accept collateral damage. It teaches lessons. Real good lessons.”