In December of each year I used to buy supermarket tabloids that featured predictions by expert psychics on what would occur in the coming year. There was usually something about Elvis being found alive, the queen abdicating in favor of her son, a cure for all forms of cancer and a miraculous appearance by some dead saint to warn the earth’s people about something evil afoot. I would save them for my Christmas party the following December and read them to gales of laughter. Nothing ever came true. Maybe I could do better, I often thought. So here are my predictions for the next 12 months or so. Save them and check me out next April 1st.
1. The weather will change.
2. Lindsey Lohan will have a new legal problem.
3. A big-time Major League Baseball player will tear something, ending his season.
4. Joe Biden will say something stupid.
5. Donald Trump will say something stupid.
6. Prices will rise.
7. Kim Kardashian will be in the news for something not newsworthy.
8. Somebody really, really famous will die.
9. There will be a mass murder and NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre will say that if more people had guns the tragedy could have been prevented.
10. The Pope will call for peace in the Middle East.
11. A professional athlete will apologize for a homophobic tweet.
12. President Obama will state that Iran absolutely, positively not be allowed to have nuclear weapons.
13. Iran will announce their nuclear program is peaceful and will continue.
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (FNS) The Republican-dominated Conservative Political Action Conspiracy, or CPAC (pronounced see-pack) held its annual jamboree here March 14 – 16. All the usual suspects were there in a festival of denial and resentment. The theme of the gathering, while not explicitly stated, was that the nation’s electorate misspoke last November, electing that horrible liberal, socialist, communist tree hugger Obama almost by mistake. Over and over, speakers who sounded like they slept through the Presidential campaign, railed and ranted that failed candidate Mitt Romney simply wasn’t conservative enough, that veering even further to the right would have pulled in all those left-leaning voters. But the real head-scratcher came on the second day.
Led by such intellectual luminaries as half-Governor Sarah Palin, Texas Governor Rick “Ooops” Perry, chief NRA crazy Wayne LaPierre and world-class self-promoter Donald Trump, the science hating group doubled down on its paleo-positions regarding modern thought.
The CPAC’s dogmata include the belief that homosexuality and lesbianism are curable lifestyle choices that can be reversed by prayer and will power. There was never a Big Bang, as that theory describes the sudden destabilization of a singularity. Rather, the great Everything began with a call for luminosity by a deity (“Let there be light”). The Earth, generally believed by scientists to be approximately 4.5 billion years old, is really only a little over 6,000 years old. This means dinosaurs and humans coexisted at one time, a sort of Flintstones vision of early Earth. Evolution? Don’t be ridiculous. How could humans and all other species be the result of hundreds of millions of years of evolution if the world is only 6,000 years old? Besides, the Bible says that the first man was made from dust, and the first woman was made from one of his ribs. You know, “From dust thou art; to dust thou shalt return.” Which, of course, begs the question, “Why don’t dead women return to being ribs?”
Speaker after speaker also charged that global warming, the gradual but inexorable and measurable trend toward higher and higher average global temperatures, is not caused by human activity, does not really exist at all, and is, in fact, nothing more than a giant conspiracy by the world’s leading scientists for some sinister but unspecified purpose. It is a card-carrying member of this conservative bunch that recently claimed that the bodies of raped women automatically shut down the possibility of pregnancy.
Second day speaker Sarah Palin received an enormous standing ovation when she pulled out her Big Gulp cup, an apparent homage to sugar and a poke in the eye to NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “Trying to cut down on obesity and diabetes, Mr. Mayor?” she seemed to be saying, “Well, take that!” She then went on to speak on the rights of the unborn, presenting the opinion that life begins at Last Call.
But wait; there’s more.
There was the Donald. This conspiracy-crazy model-marrying wingnut offered a new plank for the science-denying platform that forms the bedrock of conservative wisdom. “Don’t let anyone fool you,” he ranted, “the world is not round. It is flat. If it were round, stuff would roll all around, wouldn’t it,” shouted the Trumpster, “Here’s a challenge: put a ball on the ground. Does it roll or does it stay where you put it? It stays, of course, because the world is flat. But Obama doesn’t want you to know that.” Wild applause arose from the exhilarated assembly. And by acclimation, the world was declared flat. Who knew?
NEW YORK, New York (FNS) At a hastily called news conference in the Trump Tower media room a visibly agitated Donald Trump promised assembled reporters, “This is huge. This is absolutely tremendous. It’s very, very big. I have new information on President Obama’s real birth location. Absolute, irrefutable proof that he is not American and was not born in Hawaii. I have a witness that will prove this beyond any doubt. Here she is. I’ll let her tell you what she told me. Tell them, dear, tell them what you told me.”
At this point an incredibly thin woman, about 5’9”, with pale skin, tangled brown hair and bad teeth stepped up to the podium. She appeared nervous. “Well, this here is what I know. I was living in Chicago in 1998, and I wasn’t doing so well so I went to this mission place where I could get some food. There was this big room set up like a church, sort of, with a lot of chairs and a reverend who introduced this nice looking black fella. Turned out to be Barack Obama. Called hisself Barry Obama then. He talked to us real good about how we could get jobs and make things better. He was real nice. Then he said something about being born on a Thursday in Hawaii. I guess ‘cause it was Thursday that day, it reminded him. Anyways that’s what I think he said, but I was way in the back. But Mr. Trump says that’s real important. So, that’s about it.”
Trump returned to the podium at this point, elbowing the woman aside. ‘You heard it,” he trumpeted. “From the witness herself. Thursday she said. But August 4, 1961, Obama’s published birthday, was a Tuesday in Honolulu. So, he couldn’t have been born there. Where was it Thursday? I checked with an astronomer, an educated expert and professor at a community college, and he told me that the only place August 4, 1961 was a Thursday was on Mars. Period. Now we know. Obama was not even born on this planet. He’ll have to resign now.” The Donald then spent the last ½ of the conference touting the new season of “Celebrity Apprentice,” which he promises will be the “most tremendous, fantastic, exciting and important ‘Apprentice’ ever. This is going to be huge.”
Web Surfer Complains: You Can’t Google Google
BOURBON CREEK, Kentucky (FNS) Web surfer Peter Owt is annoyed because he has been unable to Google the search engine ‘Google.’ “All I get,” whines Owt, “is the search page and icon blinking “what are you looking for?” at me. “I’m looking for information about Google, that’s what I’m looking for. It’s frustrating. What are they trying to hide?” The angry seeker says this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to him. “A while ago I tried to friend ‘Facebook.’ All I got was stuff about how many friends I could connect with. Advertising stuff, know what I mean? Seems a little ironic, doesn’t it? I mean, you can’t friend ‘Facebook.’ You can only friend other people and organizations. What’s so special about ‘Facebook’ they can’t be friended?” Owt said it reminded him of when he tried to throw away a trash can years ago. “I put out this old dented metal can, empty, along with some brand new filled plastic cans. They left it. So, I put a sign on it that said ‘trash.’ Didn’t work. Changed the sign to ‘this can is trash.’ Still didn’t work. Even when I made the sign say, “This is trash, please take it,” they ignored the can. Eventually I gave up and put a sign on it that said, ‘This can is for sale. Inquire within for price.’ It was gone the next day.”
NRA Offers Compromise to White House
SPENT ROUND, Texas (FNS) NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre says he is ready to bend over for Obama. “We’re going to make an unprecedented concession,” the blustery gasbag said. “We are proposing that anyone involved in a mass killing, anyone at all who kills children and even adults, should not be allowed by law to own an assault rifle in the future. I think it’s obvious now who it is that wants to save our kids.”
Cable Network F/X Announces Brand New Show
FILTHY RICH HILLS, California (FNS) In keeping with the entertainment industry’s most powerful dictum (“if it works, drive it into the ground”) cable broadcaster F/X Network today announce a new series promising to break absolutely no new ground whatsoever. The series, titled “Lincoln Unchained at the Homeland Abby,” will star David Spade, Gary Coleman, Betty White and Kirstie Alley. The producers also promise gobs of guest stars and cameos from ‘80s and ‘90s shows, as well as movie actors you recognize but can’t name. No further details were available.