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Romney Proposes Department of Pollution

BOSTON, Massachusetts (FNS) Speaking from campaign headquarters, Romney environmental advisor Noah Trackshunannounced that after he is elected, Governor Romney intends to create a Department of Pollution to handle affairs involving the environment. “Thus far, all we see in the Environmental Protection Administration is a one-sided view of environmental issues. Democrats have succeeded in appointing tree-huggers and snail lovers. All they do is whine constantly about dirty water and dead fish and stuff. We need a more balanced approach. We will appoint representatives – experts, if you will – from industries that are affected by all these job-killing regulations. We need qualified people from the mining industry, from pharmaceutical manufacturers, from the giant chemical factories. They know best what we need to do to protect the environment and create jobs.”

According to the plan, representatives of the various industries that are considered the most prolific polluters would set standards of acceptable levels of toxins in lakes, rivers, air and ground soil. Said the candidate himself at a recent conference of campaign donors, “We need to be more reasonable. We’ve gone way too far in the clean air and water direction. Who would know better what is safe than the polluters themselves? This is an idea whose time has come.”

Chemical industry lobbyist Phil T. Rivers was enthusiastic about the proposal. “It’s about time someone offered a sensible alternative to this insane, hysterical attitude toward our industry. I’m against over-polluting like any sane person, but a little pollution doesn’t hurt anyone very much. We’ve had pollution for all of civilization. Why the sudden hand-wringing? So we get a fish with three eyes or a two-headed beaver. Who does that hurt? Species die out, new ones come along. It’s the way of the world forever. You see any dinosaurs? Animals change; that’s just how it is. We need jobs. That’s the main thing. Not some crazy policy that puts folks out of work to protect some owl or something.”

As might be expected, leading environmentalist Brooke Waters was horrified by the Romney suggestion. “A Department of Pollution?” she shrieked, “What’s next, a Department of Superstition? What do these Republicans have against science? They want us to teach creationism along with evolution. They don’t believe the planet’s getting warmer. We might as well go all the way. When we teach reproduction in biology we should also teach parthenogenesis to explain the virgin birth.”

Romney to Debate Ryan on Budget

     BOSTON, Massachusetts (FNS) After issuing denials for months that the Ryan budget was the Romney budget, an apparently fed up Mitt Romney announced through a spokesman that not only was his budget different but that he would debate Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan at a time and place to be announced. Senior campaign advisor Don Taskmie explained, “The governor is sick and tired of answering questions about ‘the Ryan Plan’ and ‘the Ryan Budget.’ He has said over and over that while he has the greatest respect for his running mate and admires the budget he has put forward, it is not the Romney Budget. We hope this debate will show that clearly.” Read the rest of this entry

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