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Romney to Debate Ryan on Budget
BOSTON, Massachusetts (FNS) After issuing denials for months that the Ryan budget was the Romney budget, an apparently fed up Mitt Romney announced through a spokesman that not only was his budget different but that he would debate Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan at a time and place to be announced. Senior campaign advisor Don Taskmie explained, “The governor is sick and tired of answering questions about ‘the Ryan Plan’ and ‘the Ryan Budget.’ He has said over and over that while he has the greatest respect for his running mate and admires the budget he has put forward, it is not the Romney Budget. We hope this debate will show that clearly.” Read the rest of this entry
Obama: 4 Years Not Enough
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (FNS) President Obama hinted through a campaign spokesman that a second four year term might not be enough to complete the great task of restoring the economy to pre-Bush levels of unemployment and productivity. Obama campaign senior advisor Bill Melayda told reporters covering the President that there is so much work to be done that a third term might be needed. “The Republicans have been so obstructive that it will most likely take longer than we thought to get everything right. If we need that third term it’s really the Republicans fault. They can only blame themselves. If they had cooperated we might not have even needed a second term.” Asked about the problem of the 22nd Amendment that limits a President to two terms, Melayda scoffed, “In exceptional times one must take exceptional measures.” He then left the briefing room leaving confused reporters babbling among themselves.
When told of the briefing, Republican Congressman Brick Wohl exploded, telling reporters, “He’s always blaming someone else. First it was Bush, then it was the congress. Now he’s after all us principled congressman who simply want to help rich people create jobs.” Asked to comment, one insider spoke on condition of anonymity saying, “I tried speaking to Brick Wohl myself, but it was useless. His heels are dug in. It was like talking to a…well, you finish it.” No further comment was offered.
New Quake Sets Japan Back to 22nd Century
Tokyo, JAPAN (NNS) A new giant earthquake, measuring 10.0, rocked beleaguered northeastern Japan recently setting country as far back as the 22nd century in the view of many experts. This was the first perfect 10 quake ever recorded, seismologists say. According to some, stunned citizens are struggling to cope with the descent into primitive living, by their standards. Technology breakdowns caused by the disaster are forcing accommodations unthinkable pre-quake.
Among the hardest hit was Japan’s teleportation system. The destruction of whole substations has forced citizens to travel by old-fashioned air cars, most of which are in questionable shape after years of disuse. Air car repair technicians are as plentiful in Japan as blacksmiths are in the Western world. Read the rest of this entry
Atheists Advise Wishing
GODFORSAKEN, Nevada (FNS) According to a study commissioned by the Atheist Social Society (ASS), wishing may be the best way to help you get what you want. In a study funded by the society and carried out by Professor Cy N. Testa at Southeast North Dakota State Teachers Junior College, a group of wishers seemed to have a slight advantage over a group of prayers and a control group.
In the first part of the study, a group of Christians were put in a room with a clearly visible clock on the wall at precisely 12 noon. They were asked to pray for 3:00 PM. Simultaneously, a group of people who described themselves as agnostic were seated in a separate identical room with an identical clock. The second group was instructed to wish that it were 3:00 PM. A control group of mixed beliefs (and lack thereof) were settled in a third room with an identical clock at the same time. They were not told anything about time and were asked to amuse themselves by conversing or playing cards, which were provided. The clocks were not interconnected. Careful observation and precise measurements by the experimenters revealed absolutely no statistical difference among them. All three clocks reached 3:00 PM at the exact same moment.
In a second study group members were asked to seek happiness. The prayer group was told to pray for happiness, the wishing group to wish for the same, while the control group members were simply told to pass time while conversing and/or playing cards. At the end of a precisely measured 2 hours, members were asked to rate their degree of happiness on a 10 point scale, 1 being how you feel when you’ve just gotten a traffic citation, 5 like how you feel when you hit a $10 scratch-off and 10 being the feeling you get when that hottie tells you you’re the best lover ever. Members of the control group scored an average of 5.3 on the happiness scale, the prayer group 7.1 and the wishing group 8.5. Experimenters viewed this as strong evidence that wishing is superior to praying in the attainment of goals, e.g., happiness.
In a third experiment, patients who had been told they had a terminal disease were separated into the same three groups. The prayer group patients were told to pray for health, the second group to wish for it, and the control group to get their affairs in order. Death occurred at the same rate for all three groups, the only difference being that those that got their affairs in order seemed more a peace with the situation, as did their heirs.
ASS spokesman R. U. Kidden promises that there is more research to come and that no conclusions are final. “We want to look at all possibilities. With what we know right now, wishing seems the best way to win the lottery, cure disease and return lost pets. But we’re going to examine hoping next, to see what that can do. You never know,” he cautions.
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