Category Archives: Nearly News
Astronomer Admits Constellations Don’t Look Like That
BALD SPOT, New Mexico (FNS) Breaking thousands of years of tradition and pretension, noted astronomer Dr. Hy N. deSkye today admitted to a hushed room of reporters that constellations are, essentially, bullshit. At a press conference called for the purpose, the scientist told the gathering that no one in his right mind could see the crap that has been put out there for centuries. “It’s the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ in the sky,” he said, “Look for yourselves. Look at Orion. You see a hunter with a club and a sword? Are you nuts? And Cassiopeia. That’s a woman in a chair? Then there’s Pegasus, the winged horse. Where in hell do you see that? Okay, I see the Big Dipper. Nice. A few stars in a dipper shape. I get that. But that’s also Ursa Major, the Big Bear. Can you see its shiny nose? Its big paws, can you see them? Absolute nonsense. I cannot believe they’ve been getting away with this crap just about forever.”
As reporters began questioning the good doctor, aides entered the room and hustled him quickly away before he had a chance to answer any of their queries. Said one observatory spokesman, “Dr. deSkye has not been feeling himself lately. I hope you all understand.” Shouted out a reporter from the back of the room, “Who has he been feeling?” There was no further comment.
Romney to Debate Ryan on Budget
BOSTON, Massachusetts (FNS) After issuing denials for months that the Ryan budget was the Romney budget, an apparently fed up Mitt Romney announced through a spokesman that not only was his budget different but that he would debate Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan at a time and place to be announced. Senior campaign advisor Don Taskmie explained, “The governor is sick and tired of answering questions about ‘the Ryan Plan’ and ‘the Ryan Budget.’ He has said over and over that while he has the greatest respect for his running mate and admires the budget he has put forward, it is not the Romney Budget. We hope this debate will show that clearly.” Read the rest of this entry
Obama: 4 Years Not Enough
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (FNS) President Obama hinted through a campaign spokesman that a second four year term might not be enough to complete the great task of restoring the economy to pre-Bush levels of unemployment and productivity. Obama campaign senior advisor Bill Melayda told reporters covering the President that there is so much work to be done that a third term might be needed. “The Republicans have been so obstructive that it will most likely take longer than we thought to get everything right. If we need that third term it’s really the Republicans fault. They can only blame themselves. If they had cooperated we might not have even needed a second term.” Asked about the problem of the 22nd Amendment that limits a President to two terms, Melayda scoffed, “In exceptional times one must take exceptional measures.” He then left the briefing room leaving confused reporters babbling among themselves.
When told of the briefing, Republican Congressman Brick Wohl exploded, telling reporters, “He’s always blaming someone else. First it was Bush, then it was the congress. Now he’s after all us principled congressman who simply want to help rich people create jobs.” Asked to comment, one insider spoke on condition of anonymity saying, “I tried speaking to Brick Wohl myself, but it was useless. His heels are dug in. It was like talking to a…well, you finish it.” No further comment was offered.
New Quake Sets Japan Back to 22nd Century
Tokyo, JAPAN (NNS) A new giant earthquake, measuring 10.0, rocked beleaguered northeastern Japan recently setting country as far back as the 22nd century in the view of many experts. This was the first perfect 10 quake ever recorded, seismologists say. According to some, stunned citizens are struggling to cope with the descent into primitive living, by their standards. Technology breakdowns caused by the disaster are forcing accommodations unthinkable pre-quake.
Among the hardest hit was Japan’s teleportation system. The destruction of whole substations has forced citizens to travel by old-fashioned air cars, most of which are in questionable shape after years of disuse. Air car repair technicians are as plentiful in Japan as blacksmiths are in the Western world. Read the rest of this entry
NRA Seeks Mandatory Carry Law
RIFLE RANGE, Texas(FNS) National Rifle Association vice president and chief spokesman Wayne LaPierre has called on Congress to enact a law requiring all able-bodied American adults, male and female, to carry side arms at all times. Previously convicted felons would be excused from the law. According to LaPierre, “Think about if everyone in that Aurora theatre had a weapon. They would’ve stopped that guy.” When it was pointed out that the gunman was wearing heavy body armor and that multiple shooters in a dark theatre, be they good or bad guys, would be hard to sort out, Lapierre snorted that sometimes you have to have collateral damage to teach a lesson. But apparently assault weapons aren’t going far enough for some. NRA member Lauren Auder went a step further. “What we really need is good guys armed as good as bad guys is. What good would that body armor woulda done if someone had a LAW (light anti-tank weapon)? They coulda blowed that dude to smithereens. Makes me hot thinkin’ about it.”
Anti-gun crusader Hy Lee Strung was aghast when told of the NRA proposition and spokesperson comments. “Okay, you’re in a darkened theatre. Someone in black protective clothing starts shooting. Others pull out guns and start shooting at him. Still more confused at the happenings start shooting at those who are trying to bring down the original shooter. Now more return fire at them. And remember, only the perp has bullet-proof gear on. We would see a death toll raised by an order of ten or more in magnitude.” Responded LaPierre, “That’s just whiney, pinko liberal talk. Sissy talk. Real men accept collateral damage. It teaches lessons. Real good lessons.”
Chinese to Outsource Sneaker Lace Manufacturing to U.S.
SHIN BOAN, China (FNS) Chinese sneaker manufacturer Sum Yung Uns had made a deal with a small American company to outsource the manufacture of laces for its sneakers. R. Senneckan Olde Lace Company, located in tiny Litter Barrel, Georgia, will be the exclusive suppliers of laces for all sneakers bearing the Nikeand New Balance labels. Says plant supervisor Ho Lee Che’et, “We can get Americans to work cheaper than Chinese now that we’ve pretty much savaged the U.S. employment market. And Americans are just smart enough to make something simple like laces. I mean, how can you screw up laces? You don’t need a highly educated workforce like we have in China.”
In Backwash, Mississippi where the lace factory is proposed to be built, the locals could not be happier. Mayor Bubba Gumm reported, “This’ll bring jobs to Backwater. We don’t hardly have no jobs, so this’ll be good. Mostly folk here just ‘possum hunt and trap varmints. We don’t rightly have real job jobs.” According to trapper John MacIntyre, “I ain’t never worked in no factory. The hiring fella said you don’t need no high-falutin’ edication. I went all the way to fifth grade, and he said that’s good enough.” And so the excitement builds.
Atheists Advise Wishing
GODFORSAKEN, Nevada (FNS) According to a study commissioned by the Atheist Social Society (ASS), wishing may be the best way to help you get what you want. In a study funded by the society and carried out by Professor Cy N. Testa at Southeast North Dakota State Teachers Junior College, a group of wishers seemed to have a slight advantage over a group of prayers and a control group.
In the first part of the study, a group of Christians were put in a room with a clearly visible clock on the wall at precisely 12 noon. They were asked to pray for 3:00 PM. Simultaneously, a group of people who described themselves as agnostic were seated in a separate identical room with an identical clock. The second group was instructed to wish that it were 3:00 PM. A control group of mixed beliefs (and lack thereof) were settled in a third room with an identical clock at the same time. They were not told anything about time and were asked to amuse themselves by conversing or playing cards, which were provided. The clocks were not interconnected. Careful observation and precise measurements by the experimenters revealed absolutely no statistical difference among them. All three clocks reached 3:00 PM at the exact same moment.
In a second study group members were asked to seek happiness. The prayer group was told to pray for happiness, the wishing group to wish for the same, while the control group members were simply told to pass time while conversing and/or playing cards. At the end of a precisely measured 2 hours, members were asked to rate their degree of happiness on a 10 point scale, 1 being how you feel when you’ve just gotten a traffic citation, 5 like how you feel when you hit a $10 scratch-off and 10 being the feeling you get when that hottie tells you you’re the best lover ever. Members of the control group scored an average of 5.3 on the happiness scale, the prayer group 7.1 and the wishing group 8.5. Experimenters viewed this as strong evidence that wishing is superior to praying in the attainment of goals, e.g., happiness.
In a third experiment, patients who had been told they had a terminal disease were separated into the same three groups. The prayer group patients were told to pray for health, the second group to wish for it, and the control group to get their affairs in order. Death occurred at the same rate for all three groups, the only difference being that those that got their affairs in order seemed more a peace with the situation, as did their heirs.
ASS spokesman R. U. Kidden promises that there is more research to come and that no conclusions are final. “We want to look at all possibilities. With what we know right now, wishing seems the best way to win the lottery, cure disease and return lost pets. But we’re going to examine hoping next, to see what that can do. You never know,” he cautions.
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