Blog Archives
Biden to Fill in for Vacationing Letterman
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (FNS) The White House confirmed today what knowledgeable insiders have known for ![Joe_Biden,_official_photo_portrait_2-cropped[1]](https://emeraldlakesfreepress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/joe_biden_official_photo_portrait_2-cropped1.jpg)
weeks: Vice President Joe Biden will sit in the host chair of Late Night with David Letterman for a week in May while the eponymous comic and host is on vacation. The VP will do five shows beginning Monday, May 13th through Friday, May 17th. The guest lineup is still being prepared but several slots have been confirmed. Ex-Vice Presidents Dan Quayle and Dick Cheney are both expected to be interviewed the first night, and will discuss the awesome responsibility of being the second-most important political leader in the nation. Also expected during the week on nights not yet finalized are the San Francisco Forty-Niners who took second place in Super Bowl XLVII this past February 3rd. Miss America runner-up Shirley Sekundt will also be on hand to discuss the enormous pressure of being constantly prepared to step in should Miss America die in office or become incapacitated before her reign is over. Later in the week former astronaut Buzz Aldrin will talk about how being the Second Man to Walk on the Moon has altered his life, making scoring a good table at exclusive restaurants a routine event. Former Assistant District Attorney Christopher Darden will also stop by to talk about how he almost got a conviction on O.J. Simpson in the famous 1994 murder trial. Jockey Mario Gutierrez is expected to describe the thrill of winning two of the three Triple Crown races, while four-division boxing champion Tommy Hearns tells how it felt to be the second best middle-weights fighter of the 70s and early 80s after Sugar Ray Leonard.
Aggressive Driving Class Offered
RED NECK, New Jersey (FNS) Fender University, New Jersey’s premier aggressive driving institution announced today that it will hold an extension class in Pennsylvania’s beautiful Pocono Mountains. The standard two week course, including both classroom and field work, will be compressed to 5 days. The cost is $250 per person, or $225 each for families of five or more. Located in New Jersey’s Pine Barrens, nicknamed the Appalachia of the Northeast, the school has graduated over 5,000 angry drivers. Fender President and Dean of Students Ben D. Dick boasts, “We are the best there is at what we do. More than 50% of all road rage incidents in New Jersey involve at least one FU graduate. You can’t argue with the numbers.” If you expect an easy, undemanding week of instruction, you don’t know Dick. Course work includes sign and signal recognition, variations on horn harassment, proper ways to use hand signals to express disdain or anger, tailgating techniques and rapid lane-changing. After 3 rigorous days of class work, students are paired with experienced instructors and taken to highways for hands-on roadwork. Bump-and-run tactics, intimidation through tailgating and near-miss sideswiping, lane jumping and best ways to cut off other drivers are emphasized and practiced until students are proficient in all types of aggressive driving.
For those who insist on the complete course conducted at the South Jersey campus, registration can be done on line at www.nutsodriving.com. The cost of the full deal is $500 per person and includes lunches and weeknight accommodation at a modestly-priced motel in the area. Also included is a tour of the area and visits to the known and suspected burial sites of some of New Jersey’s most admired men of respect. Extras not included in the tuition but available for separate purchase include fast food dinners, evening visitation by experienced and understanding professional companions and cable tv. Says recent graduate Allen Rench, “Anyone listening to Dick will know this: If you’re serious about aggressive driving, you have to say ‘FU.’”
Losing QB Blames Jesus for Supe Loss
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NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana (FNS) Forty-niners quarterback Collins Koppernickel pulled no punches in naming the individual responsible for his team’s loss to the Baltimore Ravens in Super Bowl XLVII. Placing blame squarely on the Savior, Koppernickel spoke at the post-game press conference. “I gave Jesus the credit for the successful season, for the victories in the post season. I always gave Him credit for a win. You know, ‘this was Jesus’ victory,’ and ‘the Lord was with us on this one,’ so I’m not going to mince words here. We were ready. We had a first and goal, down by 5. What would it have taken to help one little pass be completed? I mean, he’s God, for His sake. He could’ve. But He didn’t. All that credit I gave Him every time we won. Well, I’m pissed, and I’m saying so.” Reporters noted that a thunderstorm broke just as Koppernickel began speaking. “I’m not saying it’s connected,” said FNS sports reporter Randy Ball-Fahr, “but I wasn’t taking any chances. I stayed in the conference room until the rain stopped.”
Watching Liberal TV Leads to Heroin Addiction: Study Results
LOCAL TIME, Kentucky (FNS) A study published in the Right Way, a conservative journal, purports to prove that![TV04_tnb[1]](https://emeraldlakesfreepress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/tv04_tnb1.png)
watching liberal tv shows such as those on MSNBC will often lead to heroin addiction. Sponsored by the ultra-conservative Heritage Foundation, the researchers quizzed over 6,000 heroin addicts in prisons and back alleys alike, and found that almost all of them admitted to watching Morning Joe, Hardball or Rachel Maddow at least once or twice before turning to heroin. “You can’t argue with the numbers. Watching these programs will lead to the damnation of addiction. These poor unfortunates should have been watching FOX,” said Heritage spokesman Wright Wingnut. The study was based on the methodology of the now-discredited LaGuardia Report, done in the 1930s. In that study, thousands of heroin addicts, most of them incarcerated, were questioned on their use of marijuana prior to their introduction to heroin. More than 90% reported that they had tried marijuana before ever getting their first taste of heroin. This led researchers to conclude that marijuana use was a precursor to heroin addiction and they further concluded that there was causality at work. For decades thereafter, marijuana was labeled a ‘gateway drug,’ one that almost inevitably led to experimentation, often addiction, to more dangerous substances. Perhaps now, if Mr. Wingnut has his way, liberal television programs will be seen as a ‘gateway activity,’ as with marijuana, inevitably leading to a downward spiral and the utter ruin of the individual.
Athlete Admits It Was The Money
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KANSAS CITY, Missouri (FNS) Much sought after free agent Beau Legge told the Kansas City Star that the reason he signed a contract with the Kansas City Chiefs was that they offered the most money. “It wasn’t about how great the fans are,” the fleet-footed wide receiver said, “Everybody says their fans are the greatest. It wasn’t about a winning attitude, either. Hell, they only won two games last year. And it wasn’t about how much I always wanted to play for the Chiefs. I’m from San Francisco. Why would I even think about playing in flat, dusty Kansas City? I’ll tell you why: money, and lots of it. That’s all they is to it.” It is believed to be the first time that money was the motivating factor in a sports contract decision.
Man Reads ‘Terms and Conditions’
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TRUCK STOP, Indiana (FNS) A local man here claims to have read all the AOL terms and conditions prior to registering an email address. Mort D’Artur told a reporter from the Truck Stop Weakly, “It says you have to read the whole thing. It says at the end “I have read the terms and conditions and agree to comply with them.’ So, how could I check the box if I didn’t read them?” Mr. D’Artur also says that he read all five pages of the Itunes terms and conditions. “It took me a couple of hours, ‘cause I really didn’t understand some of the stuff the first time I read it. But they don’t want you to buy songs until you read all that. I’m pretty sure.” According to D’Artur, not reading the terms and conditions would be like telling your parents you studied when you really didn’t. What kind of person would do that?”
News Briefs for January 18, 2013
New Trump Bombshell: Obama Not Earthling
NEW YORK, New York (FNS) At a hastily called news conference in the Trump Tower media room a visibly agitated Donald Trump promised assembled reporters, “This is huge. This is absolutely tremendous. It’s very, very big. I have new information on President Obama’s real birth location. Absolute, irrefutable proof that he is not American and was not born in Hawaii. I have a witness that will prove this beyond any doubt. Here she is. I’ll let her tell you what she told me. Tell them, dear, tell them what you told me.”
At this point an incredibly thin woman, about 5’9”, with pale skin, tangled brown hair and bad teeth stepped up to the podium. She appeared nervous. “Well, this here is what I know. I was living in Chicago in 1998, and I wasn’t doing so well so I went to this mission place where I could get some food. There was this big room set up like a church, sort of, with a lot of chairs and a reverend who introduced this nice looking black fella. Turned out to be Barack Obama. Called hisself Barry Obama then. He talked to us real good about how we could get jobs and make things better. He was real nice. Then he said something about being born on a Thursday in Hawaii. I guess ‘cause it was Thursday that day, it reminded him. Anyways that’s what I think he said, but I was way in the back. But Mr. Trump says that’s real important. So, that’s about it.”
Trump returned to the podium at this point, elbowing the woman aside. ‘You heard it,” he trumpeted. “From the witness herself. Thursday she said. But August 4, 1961, Obama’s published birthday, was a Tuesday in Honolulu. So, he couldn’t have been born there. Where was it Thursday? I checked with an astronomer, an educated expert and professor at a community college, and he told me that the only place August 4, 1961 was a Thursday was on Mars. Period. Now we know. Obama was not even born on this planet. He’ll have to resign now.” The Donald then spent the last ½ of the conference touting the new season of “Celebrity Apprentice,” which he promises will be the “most tremendous, fantastic, exciting and important ‘Apprentice’ ever. This is going to be huge.”
Web Surfer Complains: You Can’t Google Google
BOURBON CREEK, Kentucky (FNS) Web surfer Peter Owt is annoyed because he has been unable to Google the search engine ‘Google.’ “All I get,” whines Owt, “is the search page and icon blinking “what are you looking for?” at me. “I’m looking for information about Google, that’s what I’m looking for. It’s frustrating. What are they trying to hide?” The angry seeker says this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to him. “A while ago I tried to friend ‘Facebook.’ All I got was stuff about how many friends I could connect with. Advertising stuff, know what I mean? Seems a little ironic, doesn’t it? I mean, you can’t friend ‘Facebook.’ You can only friend other people and organizations. What’s so special about ‘Facebook’ they can’t be friended?” Owt said it reminded him of when he tried to throw away a trash can years ago. “I put out this old dented metal can, empty, along with some brand new filled plastic cans. They left it. So, I put a sign on it that said ‘trash.’ Didn’t work. Changed the sign to ‘this can is trash.’ Still didn’t work. Even when I made the sign say, “This is trash, please take it,” they ignored the can. Eventually I gave up and put a sign on it that said, ‘This can is for sale. Inquire within for price.’ It was gone the next day.”
NRA Offers Compromise to White House
SPENT ROUND, Texas (FNS) NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre says he is ready to bend over for Obama. “We’re going to make an unprecedented concession,” the blustery gasbag said. “We are proposing that anyone involved in a mass killing, anyone at all who kills children and even adults, should not be allowed by law to own an assault rifle in the future. I think it’s obvious now who it is that wants to save our kids.”
Cable Network F/X Announces Brand New Show
FILTHY RICH HILLS, California (FNS) In keeping with the entertainment industry’s most powerful dictum (“if it works, drive it into the ground”) cable broadcaster F/X Network today announce a new series promising to break absolutely no new ground whatsoever. The series, titled “Lincoln Unchained at the Homeland Abby,” will star David Spade, Gary Coleman, Betty White and Kirstie Alley. The producers also promise gobs of guest stars and cameos from ‘80s and ‘90s shows, as well as movie actors you recognize but can’t name. No further details were available.
News Briefs for January 4, 2013
Boehner Weeps Over Tax Increase![News-Cartoon-1471285[1]](https://emeraldlakesfreepress.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/news-cartoon-147128511.jpg)
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (FNS) Newly re-elected House Speaker John Boehner was visibly shaken as he announced the expiration of Bush-era tax reductions on individuals earning $250,000 or more or families with incomes exceeding $450,000. His body racked with sobs, the speaker lamented the hardships and job losses that would follow. “Many of these people will have to learn to cook their own food, raise their children themselves and in some extreme cases (gasp) even mow their own grass. And remember, some of these folks have huge lawns,” the anguished congressman cried. Boehner further pointed out that, “job losses among household staff, gardeners and nannies could be staggering. I don’t think the Democrats realize what they hath wrought.” Minority leader Nancy Pelosi was unavailable for comment.
Bloomberg Announces Subway Success
NEW YORK, New York (FNS) A clearly delighted Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced today that not one person has been pushed to their death in front of an oncoming subway train in two entire days. “We are making unmistakable progress in cutting down on these unnecessary tragedies. Pushing someone into the path of an oncoming train is just plain wrong. I think New Yorkers are beginning to get that message.” According to the mayor, more measures are necessary. “I still like my idea of putting air bags on the front of these trains. Hey, it works with cars, doesn’t it? Even if it does reduce the motorman’s field of vision, it should reduce injuries. I know that given the choice, I’d rather be hit with a big old bag of air than the front of a subway car. Who wouldn’t?”
Kardashian Pix Bidding Tops $100,000,000
LOS ANGELES, California (FNS) Furious bidding on the moment-of-birth pictures by the expectant Kim Kardashian has the current high bid at $110,000,000. At press time the high bidder was US Weekly, but that may change many times in the coming weeks and months. Some experts say the bidding war could top one billion dollars. According to People Magazine publicist Fannie Packe, no amount would be too much to pay. “This is big, really big. These pictures are more important than the moon landing shots. They may even be bigger than Kim Kardashian’s First Wedding Pictures,” she said, speaking breathlessly in capitalized words. There was one cautionary note, however. Late Night host David Letterman warned, “I hope the press doesn’t make too big a thing of this.” We’ll just have to wait and see.
Cubans Celebrate Revolution Anniversary
HAVANA, Cuba (FNS) Joyful Cubans turned out in the hundreds to celebrate the 54th anniversary of the People’s Republic of Cuba. It was Cuban rum and Cuban cigars all around as the Central Committee feted aging semi-retired El Presidente-for-Life Fidel Castro at a private party held in the kitchen of the Presidential Palace and Souvenir Bodega. Excited representatives of the Young Cubans for the Worship and Adoration of El Presidente presented the man himself with lavish gifts including a full color Emerson console television with shiny oversized horizontal and vertical control knobs and two tires, both with some tread, for the president’s 1959 Chevrolet. The grateful Castro farted with joy at the surprise presentation.
Ten Resolutions You Can Realistically Expect to Keep
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A recent survey revealed that only 8% of respondents report keeping a New Year’s resolution. Since this number is based on self-report you can bet the success rate is even less. Why is this? It’s simple: people make crappy resolutions, ones that are near impossible to keep. They’re doomed from the start. So, here’s our solution. Try one or more of these resolutions. Hell, try ‘em all. We bet you can keep them if you put your mind to it.
Ten Resolutions You Can Realistically Expect to Keep:
I resolve
1. To gain weight
2. To take up or increase smoking
3. To go deeper into debt
4. To be more judgmental of people around me
5. To avoid exercise
6. To eat more salty, fatty foods
7. To drink more
8. To ignore ‘Friend’ requests
9. To settle scores and take revenge – to forgive no one
10. To unhesitatingly tell my friends what they must do to improve themselves
11. To break wind with total abandon
10 Things I Don’t Like About Christmas
Yum….said no one ever
There are lots of wonderful things about Christmas – parties, family gatherings, decorations, carols, movies, presents, and more – but there are also at least
10 Things I Don’t Like About Christmas
1. Fruitcake
2. Annual Letter Updates that come with Christmas cards
3. Receiving a re-gift
4. Aunt Rose’s soggy string bean casserole
5. Uncle Charlie’s same old corny jokes
6. Shopping mobs
7. Icicle lights going out after you put the ladder away
8. Ugly sweaters
9. Drunken houseguests
10. Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye in “White Christmas” (Yeah, I know a lot of you actually like this terribly corny movie. Watch it again.)
Maybe you’d like to share your Christmas dislikes. We’d love your comments.
Emerald Lakes Free Press 