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‘HOG WILD’ TO OPEN FIRST U.S. FRANCHISE
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AUKWARDLAND, New Zealand (FNS) International restaurant chain “Hog Wild” has announced plans to expand to the United States. Currently operating over 350 “Sties” as the restaurants are called by ownership, the first to open in the U.S. will be in Belcher’s Flats, Alabama. Says founder and CEO Phil deBelli, “We are so very excited. Our menu was made for America. For instance, you got our Gut-Bustin’ Burger, a full pound of ground meat product on a potato pancake, topped with American, cheddar and Monterey jack cheese, four strips of thick slab bacon, battered, deep fried onion crispies and our special sauce – it’s like Thousand Island dressing on steroids – and all served on a sourdough bun. Is that a sandwich for America or what? Then we got our smoked, maple-glazed pork medallions with cracklins’ – that’s deep fried, crispy pork fat – plated with cheese-topped French fries and our giant, butter-rich cheddar biscuits. Yum, yum. Of course, we’ll have our signature Trough O’ Plenty, an all you can scarf out of our barbecue chopped meat combination, and all the garlic butter bread you can eat. Just slap on the bib, stick your face in and chow down ‘til your heart’s content. It’s a little sloppy, but folks love it.”
Director of Operations Lhoda Bloney added, “We’re all about health and safety. Every Hog Wild restaurant has an EMT bus and two trained attendants standing by at all times. They know CPR and all that stuff. We don’t want anybody getting too sick on us. Sometimes people get to overdoing it a little. We’re ready for that.”
According to a sample menu passed out at the press conference, desserts are ‘big’ at Hog Wild as well. Entries include the Pig Out Pie Plate that starts with deep dish apple pie topped with a generous scoop of ice cream, chopped walnuts and whipped cream. The “Go Hog Wild Banana Split” features three softball-sized scoops of ice cream on a bed of overripe bananas with chocolate, strawberry and pineapple sauces, whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles and a red and green maraschino cherry for toppers. It’s rated at a whopping 4,375 calories.
Restaurant critic Stu Potts just shakes his head. “This is simply a cholesterol distribution point. You can gain weight reading the menu. And there’s enough sodium in the entrees to raise the blood pressure of Peoria, Illinois by 50 points. I think all Hog Wild restaurants should be built next to infirmaries.”
ATHEISTS NAME FIRST HOLIDAY
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BREAKING WIND, Colorado (FNS) It appears that at long last, atheists will have their first holiday. The
Atheist Coalition of Everywhere(ACE) has decreed December 27th as their first annual holiday. Coalition spokesperson Agnes Ticke explained, “We’re sick and tired of being the only people without holidays. Christians, Jews, Muslims, what have you, they all have them. There’s Christmas and Easter, Hanukkah and Passover, Ramadan, Festivus, and on and on. What have we got? Bupkis, that’s what. Until now. We are officially declaring December 27th 2012 as the first Big Atheist Holiday, or BAH. Maybe we’ll get a better name later. First things first. Our colors for the holiday will be the rainbow. Why not? Christmas is red and green. Hanukkah is blue and white. We’re all the colors. Also, the tradition of giving expensive presents begins immediately. Never mind ‘it’s the thought that counts.’ That one came from the cheapskates. Have expensive thoughts. And we’ll be writing songs about how good it is to be alive, because dead is nowhere.”
At an informal reception following the announcement ACE Vice President Alby Darnd told reporters that there will be other holidays coming. “We need something for the Spring to counteract Easter and Passover. I need to look up Christopher Hitchens’ birthday. Maybe we could celebrate that.”
Pa Man Claims He Never Fantasized On Lottery Win
SMALLTON, Pennsylvania (FNS) A local man has told friends and neighbors that he has never once thought about what he would do with the money if he won the lottery even though he admits he occasionally purchases tickets, especially when the prize is over $100 million. Boris Meeh, who operates a light bulb repair business out of his home in this sleepy Northeastern Pennsylvania town, says he thinks it’s a waste of time to dream of such things. “Hey, if I win, I’ll figure out what to do with the money. Why bother with dreaming? It’s just a waste of time.”
Neighbor Sue Spishus isn’t so sure. “He’s always saying stuff like that. I mean he says he never mentally undressed a woman. Claims he never wished nobody dead. You believe that? I’ll sell you that crick down yonder if you do.” But best friend Howdy Thinkit says it just might be true. “Bo is a different sort of guy. You know, he told me he’s never masturbated. That’s pretty unusual around these parts. I mean, there ain’t much to do on Saturday nights. Or any other nights, if you get my drift. And another thing, he says he never, ever thought about what happens to you after you die. So, just maybe, he never did no thinkin’ on winning the big one. I sure have, though.”
Ten Really Annoying People
speaking at CPAC in Washington D.C. on February 10, 2011. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
1. Donald Trump
2. Infomercial hosts/hostesses
3. Adam Sandler
4. Sidewalk preachers
Obama Campaign Demands Recount
Map of number of electoral votes by state after redistricting from the 2000 census. Modified by User:Theshibboleth for the font to be consistent with electoral maps. Edited with Inkscape. Reuploaded by User:King of Hearts to correct spelling (vs. Image:Electorial map.svg). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
CHICAGO, Illinois (FNS) The Obama campaign, though not the President himself, is demanding a recount of the election results. Top advisors were stunned by what they judged as the closeness of the final tally and have so far refused to believe the totals. Particularly excised are the two Davids, top advisors Axelrod and Plouffe. Said Axelrod, “I can’t believe this guy got 206 electoral votes. I mean this is a party that believes life begins at last call. I’m very disappointed. I figured he might get a hundred votes, but I expected Goldwater numbers.” Strategist David Plouffe was equally surprised. “I know the polls showed it was going to be a close election, but those were from Read the rest of this entry
Cat House Raided
ELDERVILLE, Pennsylvania(FNS) Acting on complaints from neighbors, county health officials raided a home in this small rural community. Inspectors were horrified to find a cat living with 31 elderly women. The cat, named Raymond, had no explanation for the conditions the officials found. “The smells were overpowering,” said Lt. Boris Tudeth of the Blather County Health Orifice. Read the rest of this entry
Ten Things that are Just Okay
Here is a list of 10 things that are Just Okay.
1. Mashed potatoes
2. Pedicures
3. Jimmy Fallon
4. Sunday newspaper magazines
5. Canned vegetables
6. Garden apartments
7. Four door sedans
8. Fast food
9. Peddle boats
10. Audiobooks
11. Walmart
Romney Proposes Department of Pollution
BOSTON, Massachusetts (FNS) Speaking from campaign headquarters, Romney environmental advisor Noah Trackshunannounced that after he is elected, Governor Romney intends to create a Department of Pollution to handle affairs involving the environment. “Thus far, all we see in the Environmental Protection Administration is a one-sided view of environmental issues. Democrats have succeeded in appointing tree-huggers and snail lovers. All they do is whine constantly about dirty water and dead fish and stuff. We need a more balanced approach. We will appoint representatives – experts, if you will – from industries that are affected by all these job-killing regulations. We need qualified people from the mining industry, from pharmaceutical manufacturers, from the giant chemical factories. They know best what we need to do to protect the environment and create jobs.”
According to the plan, representatives of the various industries that are considered the most prolific polluters would set standards of acceptable levels of toxins in lakes, rivers, air and ground soil. Said the candidate himself at a recent conference of campaign donors, “We need to be more reasonable. We’ve gone way too far in the clean air and water direction. Who would know better what is safe than the polluters themselves? This is an idea whose time has come.”
Chemical industry lobbyist Phil T. Rivers was enthusiastic about the proposal. “It’s about time someone offered a sensible alternative to this insane, hysterical attitude toward our industry. I’m against over-polluting like any sane person, but a little pollution doesn’t hurt anyone very much. We’ve had pollution for all of civilization. Why the sudden hand-wringing? So we get a fish with three eyes or a two-headed beaver. Who does that hurt? Species die out, new ones come along. It’s the way of the world forever. You see any dinosaurs? Animals change; that’s just how it is. We need jobs. That’s the main thing. Not some crazy policy that puts folks out of work to protect some owl or something.”
As might be expected, leading environmentalist Brooke Waters was horrified by the Romney suggestion. “A Department of Pollution?” she shrieked, “What’s next, a Department of Superstition? What do these Republicans have against science? They want us to teach creationism along with evolution. They don’t believe the planet’s getting warmer. We might as well go all the way. When we teach reproduction in biology we should also teach parthenogenesis to explain the virgin birth.”
Astronomer Admits Constellations Don’t Look Like That
BALD SPOT, New Mexico (FNS) Breaking thousands of years of tradition and pretension, noted astronomer Dr. Hy N. deSkye today admitted to a hushed room of reporters that constellations are, essentially, bullshit. At a press conference called for the purpose, the scientist told the gathering that no one in his right mind could see the crap that has been put out there for centuries. “It’s the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ in the sky,” he said, “Look for yourselves. Look at Orion. You see a hunter with a club and a sword? Are you nuts? And Cassiopeia. That’s a woman in a chair? Then there’s Pegasus, the winged horse. Where in hell do you see that? Okay, I see the Big Dipper. Nice. A few stars in a dipper shape. I get that. But that’s also Ursa Major, the Big Bear. Can you see its shiny nose? Its big paws, can you see them? Absolute nonsense. I cannot believe they’ve been getting away with this crap just about forever.”
As reporters began questioning the good doctor, aides entered the room and hustled him quickly away before he had a chance to answer any of their queries. Said one observatory spokesman, “Dr. deSkye has not been feeling himself lately. I hope you all understand.” Shouted out a reporter from the back of the room, “Who has he been feeling?” There was no further comment.
Emerald Lakes Free Press 