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ATHEISTS NAME FIRST HOLIDAY
![th[3]](https://emeraldlakesfreepress.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/th3.jpg?w=604)
BREAKING WIND, Colorado (FNS) It appears that at long last, atheists will have their first holiday. The
Atheist Coalition of Everywhere(ACE) has decreed December 27th as their first annual holiday. Coalition spokesperson Agnes Ticke explained, “We’re sick and tired of being the only people without holidays. Christians, Jews, Muslims, what have you, they all have them. There’s Christmas and Easter, Hanukkah and Passover, Ramadan, Festivus, and on and on. What have we got? Bupkis, that’s what. Until now. We are officially declaring December 27th 2012 as the first Big Atheist Holiday, or BAH. Maybe we’ll get a better name later. First things first. Our colors for the holiday will be the rainbow. Why not? Christmas is red and green. Hanukkah is blue and white. We’re all the colors. Also, the tradition of giving expensive presents begins immediately. Never mind ‘it’s the thought that counts.’ That one came from the cheapskates. Have expensive thoughts. And we’ll be writing songs about how good it is to be alive, because dead is nowhere.”
At an informal reception following the announcement ACE Vice President Alby Darnd told reporters that there will be other holidays coming. “We need something for the Spring to counteract Easter and Passover. I need to look up Christopher Hitchens’ birthday. Maybe we could celebrate that.”
Ten Really Annoying People
speaking at CPAC in Washington D.C. on February 10, 2011. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
1. Donald Trump
2. Infomercial hosts/hostesses
3. Adam Sandler
4. Sidewalk preachers
Obama Campaign Demands Recount
Map of number of electoral votes by state after redistricting from the 2000 census. Modified by User:Theshibboleth for the font to be consistent with electoral maps. Edited with Inkscape. Reuploaded by User:King of Hearts to correct spelling (vs. Image:Electorial map.svg). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
CHICAGO, Illinois (FNS) The Obama campaign, though not the President himself, is demanding a recount of the election results. Top advisors were stunned by what they judged as the closeness of the final tally and have so far refused to believe the totals. Particularly excised are the two Davids, top advisors Axelrod and Plouffe. Said Axelrod, “I can’t believe this guy got 206 electoral votes. I mean this is a party that believes life begins at last call. I’m very disappointed. I figured he might get a hundred votes, but I expected Goldwater numbers.” Strategist David Plouffe was equally surprised. “I know the polls showed it was going to be a close election, but those were from Read the rest of this entry
Cat House Raided
ELDERVILLE, Pennsylvania(FNS) Acting on complaints from neighbors, county health officials raided a home in this small rural community. Inspectors were horrified to find a cat living with 31 elderly women. The cat, named Raymond, had no explanation for the conditions the officials found. “The smells were overpowering,” said Lt. Boris Tudeth of the Blather County Health Orifice. Read the rest of this entry
Who We are NOT
Opinion
Lola Lauri
We got a letter this weekend, from the ELA Inc. board, and we have decided to just give them what they want, so they can sleep better at night and stop wasting money on this “non-problem”. But what are they so worried about? Here’s my take on what happened:
Since the ELA board just won’t play nice
They shelled out your cash for legal advice
On how to shut down the EL Free Press
That seeks to shed light on their ongoing mess.
It seems the lawyer said don’t overreach
We live in a land that values free speech.
The best you can do is send them a note,
And try to scare them. So they took a vote.
Then GM Roth got a paper and pen,
And asked us to say that we’re us and not them.
But just to be clearer, right on this spot
We’re gonna say ALL of the things that we’re not:
Romney Proposes Department of Pollution
BOSTON, Massachusetts (FNS) Speaking from campaign headquarters, Romney environmental advisor Noah Trackshunannounced that after he is elected, Governor Romney intends to create a Department of Pollution to handle affairs involving the environment. “Thus far, all we see in the Environmental Protection Administration is a one-sided view of environmental issues. Democrats have succeeded in appointing tree-huggers and snail lovers. All they do is whine constantly about dirty water and dead fish and stuff. We need a more balanced approach. We will appoint representatives – experts, if you will – from industries that are affected by all these job-killing regulations. We need qualified people from the mining industry, from pharmaceutical manufacturers, from the giant chemical factories. They know best what we need to do to protect the environment and create jobs.”
According to the plan, representatives of the various industries that are considered the most prolific polluters would set standards of acceptable levels of toxins in lakes, rivers, air and ground soil. Said the candidate himself at a recent conference of campaign donors, “We need to be more reasonable. We’ve gone way too far in the clean air and water direction. Who would know better what is safe than the polluters themselves? This is an idea whose time has come.”
Chemical industry lobbyist Phil T. Rivers was enthusiastic about the proposal. “It’s about time someone offered a sensible alternative to this insane, hysterical attitude toward our industry. I’m against over-polluting like any sane person, but a little pollution doesn’t hurt anyone very much. We’ve had pollution for all of civilization. Why the sudden hand-wringing? So we get a fish with three eyes or a two-headed beaver. Who does that hurt? Species die out, new ones come along. It’s the way of the world forever. You see any dinosaurs? Animals change; that’s just how it is. We need jobs. That’s the main thing. Not some crazy policy that puts folks out of work to protect some owl or something.”
As might be expected, leading environmentalist Brooke Waters was horrified by the Romney suggestion. “A Department of Pollution?” she shrieked, “What’s next, a Department of Superstition? What do these Republicans have against science? They want us to teach creationism along with evolution. They don’t believe the planet’s getting warmer. We might as well go all the way. When we teach reproduction in biology we should also teach parthenogenesis to explain the virgin birth.”
Astronomer Admits Constellations Don’t Look Like That
BALD SPOT, New Mexico (FNS) Breaking thousands of years of tradition and pretension, noted astronomer Dr. Hy N. deSkye today admitted to a hushed room of reporters that constellations are, essentially, bullshit. At a press conference called for the purpose, the scientist told the gathering that no one in his right mind could see the crap that has been put out there for centuries. “It’s the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ in the sky,” he said, “Look for yourselves. Look at Orion. You see a hunter with a club and a sword? Are you nuts? And Cassiopeia. That’s a woman in a chair? Then there’s Pegasus, the winged horse. Where in hell do you see that? Okay, I see the Big Dipper. Nice. A few stars in a dipper shape. I get that. But that’s also Ursa Major, the Big Bear. Can you see its shiny nose? Its big paws, can you see them? Absolute nonsense. I cannot believe they’ve been getting away with this crap just about forever.”
As reporters began questioning the good doctor, aides entered the room and hustled him quickly away before he had a chance to answer any of their queries. Said one observatory spokesman, “Dr. deSkye has not been feeling himself lately. I hope you all understand.” Shouted out a reporter from the back of the room, “Who has he been feeling?” There was no further comment.
Romney to Debate Ryan on Budget
BOSTON, Massachusetts (FNS) After issuing denials for months that the Ryan budget was the Romney budget, an apparently fed up Mitt Romney announced through a spokesman that not only was his budget different but that he would debate Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan at a time and place to be announced. Senior campaign advisor Don Taskmie explained, “The governor is sick and tired of answering questions about ‘the Ryan Plan’ and ‘the Ryan Budget.’ He has said over and over that while he has the greatest respect for his running mate and admires the budget he has put forward, it is not the Romney Budget. We hope this debate will show that clearly.” Read the rest of this entry
Obama: 4 Years Not Enough
WASHINGTON, District of Columbia (FNS) President Obama hinted through a campaign spokesman that a second four year term might not be enough to complete the great task of restoring the economy to pre-Bush levels of unemployment and productivity. Obama campaign senior advisor Bill Melayda told reporters covering the President that there is so much work to be done that a third term might be needed. “The Republicans have been so obstructive that it will most likely take longer than we thought to get everything right. If we need that third term it’s really the Republicans fault. They can only blame themselves. If they had cooperated we might not have even needed a second term.” Asked about the problem of the 22nd Amendment that limits a President to two terms, Melayda scoffed, “In exceptional times one must take exceptional measures.” He then left the briefing room leaving confused reporters babbling among themselves.
When told of the briefing, Republican Congressman Brick Wohl exploded, telling reporters, “He’s always blaming someone else. First it was Bush, then it was the congress. Now he’s after all us principled congressman who simply want to help rich people create jobs.” Asked to comment, one insider spoke on condition of anonymity saying, “I tried speaking to Brick Wohl myself, but it was useless. His heels are dug in. It was like talking to a…well, you finish it.” No further comment was offered.
Emerald Lakes Free Press 